The Project Gutenberg eBook of Why They Married, by James Montgomery Flagg

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Title: Why They Married

Author: James Montgomery Flagg

Release Date: November 24, 2007 [EBook #23611]

Language: English

Credits: Produced by K. Nordquist, Jacqueline Jeremy and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)

*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ***

WHY THEY MARRIED

TEXT AND ILLUSTRATIONS

BY

JAMES MONTGOMERY FLAGG

NEW YORK

LIFE PUBLISHING COMPANY

1906

Copyright 1906

LIFE PUBLISHING COMPANY

BRITISH COPYRIGHT SECURED

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

DEDICATED

TO SEVERAL OBLIGING MARRIED COUPLES

WHO HAVE POSED

FOR SOME OF THESE PORTRAITS

Don’t be ashamed to let us know

Why you tried matrimony,

For others brave the under-tow

For reasons quite as funny;

We give these little facts away,

Perhaps it is a treason,

Don’t marry in an off-hand way,

Be sure “there’s a reason!”

THE AUTHOR

STUNG!

He was a gentle and sensitive chap,

He married the forceful Miss Howe,

He wanted her sympathy, did the poor yap—

He has everyone’s sympathy now!

SHE KEPT HER WORD.

Maud hung onto straps in the Subway and “L,”

No man ever said “Take my seat!”

She swore that she’d marry the first one who did—

The next day her husband did meet!

SKIDDOO!

When your wife jams her hat on and packs up her bag

And says “I shall go back to mother!”

If you sniff she will say, “Just for that I will stay!”

One excuse is as good as another.

SHE LOOKED SO DOCILE!

John Quincy tho’ kindly and gentle, declared:

“The man must be master, by gum!”

But his outlook on life, is just what his dear wife

Lets him peer at from under her thumb!

NOT A QUITTER.

Wilhemina’s bridegroom failed to show up at the church

So she yanked the driver off the wedding hack,

And married him in lieu of John, who’d left her in the lurch

For she would NOT send the wedding presents back.

EVER KNOW IT TO FAIL?

“I never could marry that kind of a man!”

Said Miss Sue of a fellow named Sid—

So of course the gods heard her and laughed when they saw,

’Twas exactly the kind that she did!

HOW WAS SHE TO KNOW?

The reason sweet Alice got married to-day—

Sweet Alice, so prettily blushing,

She hadn’t the faintest idea that the gent

Had another wife over in Flushing.

A TONIC.

Miss Luella Gloaming was naturally glum,

So she married young Grouch, the recluse;

For she says when she’s sad, she just looks at his face—

Then she can’t help but laugh like the deuce!

WHY THEY MARRIED.

This couple before you are husband and wife,

He looks sorry and just a bit harried;

It took a mere two-spot to scare him for life,

At least that’s the reason he married!

EXPLAINED AT LAST.

Mr. Pinhead was worth eighty millions,

Miss Nothingbutt had eighty-two;

Why do cash and spondulicks get married?

Spondulicks and cash always do!

AN OPEN AND SHUT GAME.

They heard that people ought to wed

Their opposites in life;

He finds an opposition where

He thought he’d found a wife!

REALLY SHE DID.

You never can guess why she married this man,

There’s no use the matter to mince,

She married him merely because he had hair

Like her lost Pomeranian, “Prince.”

AND THERE YOU ARE!

The reason Walter Applepie

Did wed his Nancy fair,

She liked the way his mouth curled up—

He liked her fuzzy hair!

TRUE COMPANIONS.

These people are mated exactly,

And all that remains is to tell,

That she is a bully good talker,

And he listens equally well!

AN ADVERTISING MEDIUM.

The reason this chap in the box here

Made his lady friend Mrs. Van Pelf,

He had a whole car-load of diamonds

And he couldn’t well wear them himself!

SO THOUGHTFUL OF FATHER.

Again to the altar went widower Brown,

When his grief he could decently smother,

He explained it to every acquaintance in town;

“My poor children needed a mother.”

OLD MERGER AND MAYME.

Why did they marry—December and June?

Old Merger and Mayme-out-of-School?

Mayme didn’t care for those ready made frocks—

December was—just an old fool.

NOW SHE’S WAY ABOVE PAR.

Billy Margin, a broker, did wed Ysobel,

Her shape counted most in his eyes,

Now her figure’s no more, and Billy is sore,

For he finds he had bought for a rise!

AVERTED DANGER.

The reason Jenks married,

So we are told,

He was ’fraid he’d be lonely

When he got old!

FATE.

The rector got married to Annabel Gauze,

The rector was gentle and good;

He made up his mind that he’d marry because

She had made up her mind that he should!

THE SUN DO MOVE.

Petkins wed her Nobby Boy

In the year of our Lord knows when—

He was once the mold of form

And she was stylish then!

A MATTER OF TASTE.

He married her because she didn’t swagger like a man,

Nor did she stand with feet apart, toes in,

She wasn’t a “good fellow,” thickly coated with a tan—

She was merely lovely, really feminine!

STRONGER THAN MERE LOVE.

The bond is a strong one that couples this pair,

A case in which Jill found her Jack,

This strong binding tie is the joy they both share,

In ripping their friends up the back!

IN ROUND FIGURES.

Now here is a couple who seem of one mind,

What on earth made them think they’d agree?

Why, he didn’t care for the lean scraggly kind,

And it’s funny, but neither did she!

AKIN TO LOVE.

Out of pity married Chaucer,

She had been upon the shelf,

For same reason he’ll divorce her,

Pity—this time for himself!

SPORTS!

He thought she was wealthy; she thought he was too,

Not thinking each other a grafter,

They found out between them there wasn’t a sou—

So they laughed and lived happily after!

INEVITABLE.

This happy young bride is a girl we all know,

Who swore that she never would wed,

When she’d been out of school a fortnight or so

She accepted misogynist Ned!

THEY WILL DO IT!

Both poor as Job’s turkey and not overstrong—

Hold a three dollar job the man couldn’t—

We are forced to conclude that they married because

There was every good reason they shouldn’t!

NO FALLING OFF.

Paul told her lovely fairy tales when she was but a child,

She loved him far above all other men.

Tho’ they’ve been married quite a while, the tales he tells her now

Are quite as good as those he told her then!

WANTED A CHANGE.

Young Twentyperr looked carefully before a wife he took,

His wife would have to know a thing or two,

He wanted to be certain that his spouse knew how to cook

The way his mother didn’t use to do!

IT’S ONLY TOO TRUE.

“That woman married!” I hear you exclaim,

Your knowledge of people is small,

There is always some chump who will whisper “Je T’aime!”

While real peaches are left by the wall!

HIGH FINANCE.

Jonas Granitt married and he knew that he was cute,

A Mrs. Drudge, his housekeeper, no less,

For he owed her two years wages—you’ll admit he was astute,

Now he doesn’t owe her anything, I guess!

SHE GOT TIRED OF IT.

They are married and Maudie looks quite worn out,

It’s no wonder—he pestered her so,

He proposed forty thousand and ninety-six times—

Every time but the last she said “No!”

SIDE-TRACKED.

These people wed in self-defense,

All social life they missed,

They found themselves outside the fence,

For neither played bridge-whist!

THE BUTTERFLY AND THE ANEMONE.

Mr. Butterfly Flitter was handsome and gay,

Why, he’d ne’er given marriage a thought,

But he dallied too long by a flower one day,

And before he could flit he was caught!

AHA!

Pious Mary knew that Jake

Gambled and drank rum too;

She married to reform the rake—

Now see what she has come to!

MR. AND MRS. JOHN SPRATT.

She fancied him because she felt a very piquant charm

In the unexpected awful things he said—

On her remarks he could depend, they never caused alarm,

So as they both were pleased, they wed!

A PRETTY SMOOTH GENTLEMAN.

Mary thought her husband was the finest anywhere,

He was the satisfaction of her life.

He knew too much to ever say, “Why don’t you dye your hair?”

Or praise another woman to his wife!

HOW ABSURDLY ABSURD!

Mr. Tootles rides on trolley cars a good bit of his life,

His little wife goes with him for the ride;

A friend asked why he married such a tiny little wife—

“She’s so easy to get on with!” he replied.

AND, GREAT SCOTT, HE LIKES IT!

Steve looked for a captain and not for a mate

And his friends all agree she was found,

Why, they say that the reason he’s putting on weight

Is because she just ordered him ’round!

DO YOU SEE?

Intuition, deduction, observation as well,

And a masterful knowledge of life,

All figure as naught in our efforts to find

Why this pair became husband and wife!

LABOR SAVING.

When his wife died he married her sister,

A practical man was McGraw,

“In this way,” he said, “I’ve no trouble

To break in a new mother-in-law.”

MATTER OF FACT.

Bert had known Gladys from childhood,

From the day of the doll and mud-pie,

When the time came of course they got married,

As one puts on one’s coat or one’s tie!

A SHAME TO TAKE THE $.

Young Rebayte, Jr. had a stack,

A show girl he did wed,

She married him behind his back,

For she had turned his head!

NEWPORT NEWS.

Bernard De Lancey and Evelyn Smarte

Disregarding good taste and the cost,

Got married again—an affair of the heart—

They were tired of being divorced!

NO OBJECTIONS.

Izzy Morris Fiddlebaum

Wed Leah Meyer Rosen,

For neither had a prejudice

Against what’s called “The Chosen”!

HE WANTED THE EARTH!

Joe married Miss Paula McQuaver,

And altho’ she was thin and passe,

She really had lots in her favor—

About eight city lots on Broadway!

QUITE RECKLESS.

She loved him for he was so brave,

Yes, in that line quite peerless—

He married this widow with seven kids—

By gosh, was not that fearless?

SHE HAD POSITION.

Al Higgins thought he married well when he got Sally Brown,

For very well connected was his “poil,”

Connected too with all the finest families in the town—

By telephone—She was a “Hello-Goil”!

“DON’T.”

These foolish happy people here,

Mehitabel and Harry,

Disdaining quite those words of “Punch”

To those about to marry!

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Table of Contents

The Project Gutenberg eBook of Why They Married, by James Montgomery Flagg

WHY THEY MARRIED

Copyright 1906 LIFE PUBLISHING COMPANY

DEDICATED TO SEVERAL OBLIGING MARRIED COUPLES WHO HAVE POSED FOR SOME OF THESE PORTRAITS

STUNG!

SHE KEPT HER WORD.

SKIDDOO!

SHE LOOKED SO DOCILE!

NOT A QUITTER.

EVER KNOW IT TO FAIL?

HOW WAS SHE TO KNOW?

A TONIC.

WHY THEY MARRIED.

EXPLAINED AT LAST.

AN OPEN AND SHUT GAME.

REALLY SHE DID.

AND THERE YOU ARE!

TRUE COMPANIONS.

AN ADVERTISING MEDIUM.

SO THOUGHTFUL OF FATHER.

OLD MERGER AND MAYME.

NOW SHE’S WAY ABOVE PAR.

AVERTED DANGER.

FATE.

THE SUN DO MOVE.

A MATTER OF TASTE.

STRONGER THAN MERE LOVE.

IN ROUND FIGURES.

AKIN TO LOVE.

SPORTS!

INEVITABLE.

THEY WILL DO IT!

NO FALLING OFF.

WANTED A CHANGE.

IT’S ONLY TOO TRUE.

HIGH FINANCE.

SHE GOT TIRED OF IT.

SIDE-TRACKED.

THE BUTTERFLY AND THE ANEMONE.

AHA!

MR. AND MRS. JOHN SPRATT.

A PRETTY SMOOTH GENTLEMAN.

HOW ABSURDLY ABSURD!

AND, GREAT SCOTT, HE LIKES IT!

DO YOU SEE?

LABOR SAVING.

MATTER OF FACT.

A SHAME TO TAKE THE $.

NEWPORT NEWS.

NO OBJECTIONS.

HE WANTED THE EARTH!

QUITE RECKLESS.

SHE HAD POSITION.

“DON’T.”

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE