狂人日記
Date: 2008-05-11T00:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Diaries -- Fiction; Chinese fiction -- 20th century

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Title: 狂人日記

Author: Xun Lu

Release date: May 11, 2008 [eBook #25423]

Language: Chinese

Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/25423

Credits: Produced by Zhan-Ru Jiang

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 狂人日記 ***

Produced by Zhan-Ru Jiang

一

今天晚上，很好的月光。

我不見他，已是三十多年；今天見了，精神分外爽快。才知道以前的三十多年，全是發昏；然而須十分小心。不然，那趙家的狗，何以看我兩眼呢？

我怕得有理。

二

今天全沒月光，我知道不妙。早上小心出門，趙貴翁的眼色便怪：似乎怕我，似乎想害我。還有七八個人，交頭接耳的議論我，張著嘴，對我笑了一笑；我便從頭直冷到腳根，曉得他們佈置，都已妥當了。

我可不怕，仍舊走我的路。前面一夥小孩子，也在那裡議論我；眼色也同趙貴翁一樣，臉色也鐵青。我想我同小孩子有什麼仇，他也這樣。忍不住大聲説，“你告訴我！”他們可就跑了。

我想：我同趙貴翁有什麼仇，同路上的人又有什麼仇；只有廿年以前，把古久先生的陳年流水簿子，踹了一腳，古久先生很不高興。趙貴翁雖然不認識他，一定也聽到風聲，代抱不平；約定路上的人，同我作冤對。但是小孩子呢？那時候，他們還沒有出世，何以今天也睜著怪眼睛，似乎怕我，似乎想害我。這真教我怕，教我納罕而且傷心。

我明白了。這是他們娘老子教的！

三

晚上總是睡不著。凡事須得研究，才會明白。

他們——也有給知縣打枷過的，也有給紳士掌過嘴的，也有衙役佔了他妻子的，也有老子娘被債主逼死的；他們那時候的臉色，全沒有昨天這麼怕，也沒有這麼凶。

最奇怪的是昨天街上的那個女人，打他兒子，嘴裡説道，“老子呀！我要咬你幾口才出氣！”他眼睛卻看著我。我出了一驚，遮掩不住；那青面獠牙的一夥人，便都哄笑起來。陳老五趕上前，硬把我拖回家中了。

拖我回家，家裡的人都裝作不認識我；他們的臉色，也全同別人一樣。進了書房，便反扣上門，宛然是關了一隻雞鴨。這一件事，越教我猜不出底細。

前幾天，狼子村的佃戶來告荒，對我大哥説，他們村裡的一個大惡人，給大家打死了；幾個人便挖出他的心肝來，用油煎炒了吃，可以壯壯膽子。我插了一句嘴，佃戶和大哥便都看我幾眼。今天才曉得他們的眼光，全同外面的那夥人一模一樣。

想起來，我從頂上直冷到腳跟。

他們會吃人，就未必不會吃我。

你看那女人“咬你幾口”的話，和一夥青面獠牙人的笑，和前天佃戶的話，明明是暗號。我看出他話中全是毒，笑中全是刀。他們的牙齒，全是白厲厲的排著，這就是吃人的傢夥。

照我自己想，雖然不是惡人，自從踹了古家的簿子，可就難説了。他們似乎別有心思，我全猜不出。況且他們一翻臉，便説人是惡人。我還記得大哥教我做論，無論怎樣好人，翻他幾句，他便打上幾個圈；原諒壞人幾句，他便説“翻天妙手，與眾不同”。我那裡猜得到他們的心思，究竟怎樣；況且是要吃的時候。

凡事總須研究，才會明白。古來時常吃人，我也還記得，可是不甚清楚。我翻開歷史一查，這歷史沒有年代，歪歪斜斜的每頁上都寫著“仁義道德”幾個字。我橫豎睡不著，仔細看了半夜，才從字縫裡看出字來，滿本都寫著兩個字是“吃人”！

書上寫著這許多字，佃戶説了這許多話，卻都笑吟吟的睜著怪眼看我。

我也是人，他們想要吃我了！

四

早上，我靜坐了一會兒。陳老五送進飯來，一碗菜，一碗蒸魚；這魚的眼睛，白而且硬，張著嘴，同那一夥想吃人的人一樣。吃了幾筷，滑溜溜的不知是魚是人，便把他兜肚連腸的吐出。

我説“老五，對大哥説，我悶得慌，想到園裡走走。”老五不答應，走了；停一會，可就來開了門。

我也不動，研究他們如何擺佈我；知道他們一定不肯放鬆。果然！我大哥引了一個老頭子，慢慢走來；他滿眼凶光，怕我看出，只是低頭向著地，從眼鏡橫邊暗暗看我。大哥説，“今天你彷彿很好。”我説“是的。”大哥説，“今天請何先生來，給你診一診。”我説“可以！”其實我豈不知道這老頭子是劊子手扮的！無非借了看脈這名目，揣一揣肥瘠：因這功勞，也分一片肉吃。我也不怕；雖然不吃人，膽子卻比他們還壯。伸出兩個拳頭，看他如何下手。老頭子坐著，閉了眼睛，摸了好一會，呆了好一會；便張開他鬼眼睛説，“不要亂想。靜靜的養幾天，就好了。”

不要亂想，靜靜的養！養肥了，他們是自然可以多吃；我有什麼好處，怎麼會“好了”？他們這群人，又想吃人，又是鬼鬼祟祟，想法子遮掩，不敢直截下手，真要令我笑死。我忍不住，便放聲大笑起來，十分快活。自己曉得這笑聲裏面，有的是義勇和正氣。老頭子和大哥，都失了色，被我這勇氣正氣鎮壓住了。

但是我有勇氣，他們便越想吃我，沾光一點這勇氣。老頭子跨出門，走不多遠，便低聲對大哥説道，“趕緊吃罷！”大哥點點頭。原來也有你！這一件大發見，雖似意外，也在意中：合夥吃我的人，便是我的哥哥！

吃人的是我哥哥！

我是吃人的人的兄弟！

我自己被人吃了，可仍然是吃人的人的兄弟！

五

這幾天是退一步想：假使那老頭子不是劊子手扮的，真是醫生，也仍然是吃人的人。他們的祖師李時珍做的“本草什麼”上，明明寫著人肉可以煎吃；他還能説自己不吃人麼？

至於我家大哥，也毫不冤枉他。他對我講書的時候，親口説過可以“易子而食”；又一回偶然議論起一個不好的人，他便説不但該殺，還當“食肉寢皮”。我那時年紀還小，心跳了好半天。前天狼子村佃戶來説吃心肝的事，他也毫不奇怪，不住的點頭。可見心思是同從前一樣狠。既然可以“易子而食”，便什麼都易得，什麼人都吃得。我從前單聽他講道理，也胡塗過去；現在曉得他講道理的時候，不但唇邊還抹著人油，而且心裡滿裝著吃人的意思。

六

黑漆漆的，不知是日是夜。趙家的狗又叫起來了。

獅子似的凶心，兔子的怯弱，狐狸的狡猾，……

七

我曉得他們的方法，直捷殺了，是不肯的，而且也不敢，怕有禍祟。所以他們大家聯絡，佈滿了羅網，逼我自戕。試看前幾天街上男女的樣子，和這幾天我大哥的作為，便足可悟出八九分了。最好是解下腰帶，掛在樑上，自己緊緊勒死；他們沒有殺人的罪名，又償了心願，自然都歡天喜地的發出一種嗚嗚咽咽的笑聲。否則驚嚇憂愁死了，雖則略瘦，也還可以首肯幾下。

他們是只會吃死肉的！——記得什麼書上説，有一種東西，叫"海乙那"的，眼光和樣子都很難看；時常吃死肉，連極大的骨頭，都細細嚼爛，嚥下肚子去，想起來也教人害怕。"海乙那"是狼的親眷，狼是狗的本家。前天趙家的狗，看我幾眼，可見他也同謀，早已接洽。老頭子眼看著地，豈能瞞得我過。

最可憐的是我的大哥，他也是人，何以毫不害怕；而且合夥吃我呢？還是歷來慣了，不以為非呢？還是喪了良心，明知故犯呢？

我詛咒吃人的人，先從他起頭；要勸轉吃人的人，也先從他下手。

八

其實這種道理，到了現在，他們也該早已懂得，……

忽然來了一個人；年紀不過二十左右，相貌是不很看得清楚，滿面笑容，對了我點頭，他的笑也不像真笑。我便問他，“吃人的事，對麼？”他仍然笑著説，“不是荒年，怎麼會吃人。”我立刻就曉得，他也是一夥，喜歡吃人的；便自勇氣百倍，偏要問他。

“對麼？”

“這等事問他什麼。你真會……説笑話。……今天天氣很好。”

天氣是好，月色也很亮了。可是我要問你，“對麼？”

他不以為然了。含含糊胡的答道，“不……”

“不對？他們何以竟吃？！”

“沒有的事……”

“沒有的事？狼子村現吃；還有書上都寫著，通紅斬新！”

他便變了臉，鐵一般青。睜著眼説，“有許有的，這是從來如此……”

“從來如此，便對麼？”

“我不同你講這些道理；總之你不該説，你説便是你錯！”

我直跳起來，張開眼，這人便不見了。全身出了一大片汗。他的年紀，比我大哥小得遠，居然也是一夥；這一定是他娘老子先教的。還怕已經教給他兒子了；所以連小孩子，也都惡狠狠的看我。

九

自己想吃人，又怕被別人吃了，都用著疑心極深的眼光，面面相覷。……

去了這心思，放心做事走路吃飯睡覺，何等舒服。這只是一條門檻，一個關頭。他們可是父子兄弟夫婦朋友師生仇敵和各不相識的人，都結成一夥，互相勸勉，互相牽掣，死也不肯跨過這一步。

十

大清早，去尋我大哥；他立在堂門外看天，我便走到他背後，攔住門，格外沉靜，格外和氣的對他説，

“大哥，我有話告訴你。”

“你説就是，”他趕緊回過臉來，點點頭。

“我只有幾句話，可是説不出來。大哥，大約當初野蠻的人，都吃過一點人。後來因為心思不同，有的不吃人了，一味要好，便變了人，變了真的人。有的卻還吃，—— 也同蟲子一樣，有的變了魚鳥猴子，一直變到人。有的不要好，至今還是蟲子。這吃人的人比不吃人的人，何等慚愧。怕比蟲子的慚愧猴子，還差得很遠很遠。

“易牙蒸了他兒子，給桀紂吃，還是一直從前的事。誰曉得從盤古開闢天地以後，一直吃到易牙的兒子；從易牙的兒子，一直吃到徐錫林；從徐錫林，又一直吃到狼子村捉住的人。去年城裡殺了犯人，還有一個生癆病的人，用饅頭蘸血舐。

“他們要吃我，你一個人，原也無法可想；然而又何必去入夥。吃人的人，什麼事做不出；他們會吃我，也會吃你，一夥裏面，也會自吃。但只要轉一步，只要立刻改了，也就是人人太平。雖然從來如此，我們今天也可以格外要好，説是不能！大哥，我相信你能説，前天佃戶要減租，你説過不能。”

當初，他還只是冷笑，隨後眼光便兇狠起來，一到説破他們的隱情，那就滿臉都變成青色了。大門外立著一夥人，趙貴翁和他的狗，也在裏面，都探頭探腦的挨進來。有的是看不出面貌，似乎用布蒙著；有的是仍舊青面獠牙，抿著嘴笑。我認識他們是一夥，都是吃人的人。可是也曉得他們心思很不一樣，一種是以為從來如此，應該吃的；一種是知道不該吃，可是仍然要吃，又怕別人説破他，所以聽了我的話，越發氣憤不過，可是抿著嘴冷笑。

這時候，大哥也忽然顯出凶相，高聲喝道，

“都出去！瘋子有什麼好看！”

這時候，我又懂得一件他們的巧妙了。他們豈但不肯改，而且早已佈置；預備下一個瘋子的名目罩上我。將來吃了，不但太平無事，怕還會有人見情。佃戶説的大家吃了一個惡人，正是這方法。這是他們的老譜！

陳老五也氣憤憤的直走進來。如何按得住我的口，我偏要對這夥人説，

“你們可以改了，從真心改起！要曉得將來容不得吃人的人，活在世上。

“你們要不改，自己也會吃盡。即使生得多，也會給真的人除滅了，同獵人打完
狼子一樣！——同蟲子一樣！”

那一夥人，都被陳老五趕走了。大哥也不知那裡去了。陳老五勸我回屋子裡去。
屋裡面全是黑沉沉的。橫樑和椽子都在頭上發抖；抖了一會，就大起來，堆在我身上。

萬分沉重，動彈不得；他的意思是要我死。我曉得他的沉重是假的，便掙紮出來，
出了一身汗。可是偏要説，

“你們立刻改了，從真心改起！你們要曉得將來是容不得吃人的人，……”

十一

太陽也不出，門也不開，日日是兩頓飯。

我捏起筷子，便想起我大哥；曉得妹子死掉的緣故，也全在他。那時我妹子才五歲，可愛可憐的樣子，還在眼前。母親哭個不住，他卻勸母親不要哭；大約因為自己吃了，哭起來不免有點過意不去。如果還能過意不去，……

妹子是被大哥吃了，母親知道沒有，我可不得而知。

母親想也知道；不過哭的時候，卻並沒有説明，大約也以為應當的了。記得我四五歲時，坐在堂前乘涼，大哥説爺娘生病，做兒子的須割下一片肉來，煮熟了請他吃，才算好人；母親也沒有説不行。一片吃得，整個的自然也吃得。但是那天的哭法，現在想起來，實在還教人傷心，這真是奇極的事！

十二

不能想了。

四千年來時時吃人的地方，今天才明白，我也在其中混了多年；大哥正管著家務，妹子恰恰死了，他未必不和在飯菜裡，暗暗給我們吃。

我未必無意之中，不吃了我妹子的幾片肉，現在也輪到我自己，……

有了四千年吃人履歷的我，當初雖然不知道，現在明白，難見真的人！

十三

沒有吃過人的孩子，或者還有？

救救孩子……

一九一八年四月。

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