The Project Gutenberg eBook of More Peers , by Hilaire Belloc

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Title: More Peers

Subtitle: Verses

Author: Hilaire Belloc

Release Date: November 7, 2008 [EBook #27182]

Language: English

Credits: Produced by Chris Curnow, Joseph Cooper, Greg Bergquist, some images courtesy of The Internet Archive and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net

*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ***

MORE PEERS

Verses by H. BELLOC

Pictures by B. T. B.

LONDON: DUCKWORTH & CO.

Printed in Great Britain at

The Mayflower Press, Plymouth. William Brendon & Son, Ltd.

CONTENTS

PAGE

I.

Edward, first EARL OF ROEHAMPTON in the County of Surrey, deceased

5

II.

Archibald, fifteenth Baron CALVIN of Peebles in North Britain

11

III.

Henry de la Tour Albert St. John Chase, commonly known as LORD HENRY CHASE

12

IV.

Thomas, second Baron HEYGATE of Bayswater in the County of London

15

V.

Percy, first EARL OF EPSOM, in the County of Surrey

16

VI.

Arthur Weekes, commonly known as LORD FINCHLEY, Eldest Son and Heir of Charles, first Baron Hendon

22

VII.

Ali-Baba, first (and last) Baron ALI-BABA of Salonika

24

VIII.

George Punter, commonly known as LORD HIPPO, Eldest Son and Heir of Peter, sixth Earl of Potamus

27

IX.

Baron UNCLE TOM of Maarfontein in the Britains Over Seas

36

X.

William, eighth EARL LUCKY, subsequently fifth Duke of Bradford

39

XI.

Christopher, sixth Baron CANTON

45

XII.

Alcibiades, third Baron ABBOTT of Brackley in Southamptonshire

47

Lord Roehampton

During a late election Lord

Roehampton strained a vocal chord

From shouting, very loud and high,

To lots and lots of people why

The Budget in his own opin-

-Ion should not be allowed to win.

He

sought a Specialist, who said:

"You have a swelling in the head:

Your Larynx is a thought relaxed

And you are greatly over-taxed."

"I am indeed! On every side!"

The Earl (for such he was) replied

In hoarse excitement.... "Oh! My Lord,

You jeopardize your vocal chord!"

Broke in the worthy Specialist.

"Come! Here's the treatment! I insist!

To Bed! to Bed! And do not speak

A single word till Wednesday week,

When I will come and set you free

(If you are cured) and take my fee."

On Wednesday week the Doctor hires

A Brand-new Car with Brand-new Tyres

And Brand-new Chauffeur all complete

For visiting South Audley Street.

But what is this? No Union Jack

Floats on the Stables at the back!

No Toffs escorting Ladies fair

Perambulate the Gay Parterre.

A 'Scutcheon hanging lozenge-wise

And draped in crape appals his eyes

Upon the mansion's ample door,

To which he wades through

heaps of Straw,[A]

And which a Butler

[A] This is the first and only time That I have used this sort of Rhyme.

drowned in tears,

On opening but confirms his fears:

"Oh! Sir!—Prepare to hear the worst!...

Last night my kind old master burst.

And what is more, I doubt if he

Has left enough to pay your fee.

The Budget——"

With a dreadful oath,

The Specialist,

denouncing both

The Budget and the House of Lords,

Buzzed angrily Bayswaterwards.

And ever since, as I am told,

Gets it beforehand; and in gold.

Lord Calvin

Lord Calvin thought the Bishops should not sit

As Peers of Parliament.

And argued it!

In spite of which, for years, and years, and years,

They went on sitting with their fellow-peers.

Lord Henry Chase

What happened to Lord Henry Chase?

He got into a

Libel Case!

The Daily Howl had said that he—

But could not prove it perfectly

To Judge or Jury's satisfaction:

His Lordship, therefore,

won the action.

But, as the damages were small,

He gave them to a Hospital.

Lord Heygate

LORD HEYGATE had a troubled face,

His furniture was commonplace—

The sort of Peer who well might pass

For someone of the middle class.

I do not think you want to hear

About this unimportant Peer,

So let us leave him to discourse

About LORD EPSOM and his horse.

Lord Epsom

A Horse, Lord Epsom did bestride

With mastery and quiet pride.

He dug his spurs into its hide.

The Horse,

discerning it was pricked,

Incontinently

bucked and kicked,

A thing that no one could predict!

Lord Epsom clearly understood

The High-bred creature's nervous mood,

As only such a horseman could.

Dismounting,

he was heard to say

That it was kinder to delay

His pleasure to a future day

He had the Hunter led away.

Lord Finchley

Lord Finchley tried to mend the Electric Light

Himself.

It struck him dead: And serve him right!

It is the business of the wealthy man

To give employment to the artisan.

Lord Ali-Baba

Lord Ali-Baba was a Turk

Who hated every kind of work,

And would repose for hours at ease

With

Houris seated on his knees.

A happy life!—Until, one day

Mossoo Alphonse Effendi Bey

(A Younger Turk: the very cream

And essence of the New Regime)

Dispelled this Oriental dream

By granting him a place at Court,

High Coffee-grinder to the Porte,

Unpaid:—

In which exalted Post

His Lordship yielded up the ghost.

Lord Hippo

Lord Hippo suffered fearful loss

By putting money on a horse

Which he believed, if it were pressed,

Would run far faster than the rest:

For

someone who was in the know

Had confidently told him so.

But

on the morning of the race

It only took

the seventh place!

Picture the Viscount's great surprise!

He scarcely could believe his eyes!

He sought the Individual who

Had laid him odds at 9 to 2,

Suggesting as a useful tip

That they should enter Partnership

And put to joint account the debt

Arising from his foolish bet.

But when the Bookie—oh! my word,

I only wish you could have heard

The way he roared he did not think,

And hoped that they might strike him pink!

Lord Hippo simply turned and ran

From this infuriated man.

Despairing, maddened and distraught

He utterly collapsed and sought

His sire,

the Earl of Potamus,

And brokenly addressed him thus:

"Dread Sire—to-day—at Ascot—I ..."

His genial parent made reply:

Come! Come! Come! Come! Don't look so glum!

Trust your Papa and name the sum....

WHAT?

... Fifteen hundred thousand?... Hum!

However ... stiffen up, you wreck;

Boys will be boys—so here's the cheque!

Lord Hippo, feeling deeply—well,

More grateful than he cared to tell—

Punted the lot on Little Nell:—

And got a telegram at dinner

To say

that he had backed the Winner!

Lord Uncle Tom

Lord Uncle Tom was different from

What other nobles are.

For they are yellow or pink, I think,

But he was black as tar.

He had his Father's debonair

And rather easy pride:

But his complexion and his hair

Were from the mother's side.

He often mingled in debate

And latterly displayed

Experience of peculiar weight

Upon the Cocoa-trade.

But now He speaks no more. The BILL

Which he could not abide,

It preyed upon his mind until

He sickened, paled, and died.

Lord Lucky

Lord Lucky, by a curious fluke,

Became a most important duke.

From living in a vile Hotel

A long way east of Camberwell

He rose, in less than half an hour,

To riches, dignity and power.

It happened in the following way:—

The Real Duke went out one day

To shoot with several people, one

Of whom had never used a gun.

This gentleman (a Mr. Meyer

Of Rabley Abbey, Rutlandshire),

As he was scrambling through the brake,

Discharged his weapon by mistake,

And plugged about an ounce of lead

Piff-bang into his Grace's Head——

Who naturally fell down dead.

His heir, Lord Ugly, roared, "You Brute!

Take that to teach you how to shoot!"

Whereat he volleyed, left and right;

But being somewhat short of sight,

His right-hand Barrel only got

The second heir, Lord Poddleplot;

The while the left-hand charge (or choke)

Accounted for another bloke,

Who stood with an astounded air

Bewildered by the whole affair

—And was the third remaining heir.

After the

Execution (which

Is something rare among the Rich)

Lord Lucky, while of course he needed

Some

help to prove their claim,

succeeded.

—But after his succession, though

All this was over years ago,

He only once indulged the whim

Of asking Meyer to lunch with him.

Lord Canton

The reason that

the Present Lord Canton

Succeeded lately to his Brother John

Was that his Brother John, the elder son,

Died rather suddenly at forty-one.

The insolence of an Italian guide

Appears to be the reason that he died.

Lord Abbott

Lord Abbott's coronet was far too small,

So small, that as he sauntered down White Hall

Even the youthful Proletariat

(Who probably mistook it for a Hat)

Remarked on its exiguous extent.

Here is a picture of the incident.

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Table of Contents

The Project Gutenberg eBook of More Peers , by Hilaire Belloc

MORE PEERS

CONTENTS

Lord Roehampton

Lord Calvin

Lord Henry Chase

Lord Heygate

Lord Epsom

Lord Finchley

Lord Ali-Baba

Lord Hippo

Lord Uncle Tom

Lord Lucky

Lord Canton

Lord Abbott

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