The Project Gutenberg eBook of A Mysterious Disappearance, by George M. Baker

This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at https://www.gutenberg.org/license. If you are not located in the United States, you’ll have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

Title: A Mysterious Disappearance

Subtitle: A Farce

Author: George M. Baker

Release Date: July 18, 2015 [EBook #49478]

Language: English

Credits: Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive)

*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ***

Just Published. The “Popular Edition” of Baker’s Reading Club and Handy Speaker. Nos. 1, 2, 3, and 4, 50 selections in each. Price 15 cents each.

Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1876, by GEORGE M. BAKER, in the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington.

A MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE

A FARCE.

BY THE AUTHOR OF

“Sylvia’s Soldier,” “Once on a Time,” “Down by the Set,” “Bread on the Waters,”

“The Last Loaf,” “Stand by the Flag,” “The Tempter,” “A Drop Too Much,” “We’re

All Teetotalers,” “A Little More Cider,” “Thirty Minutes for Refreshments,”

“Wanted, a Male Cook,” “A Sea of Troubles,” “Freedom of the Press,” “A

Close Shave,” “The Great Elixir,” “The Man with the Demijohn,” “New

Brooms Sweep Clean,” “Humors of the Strike,” “My Uncle the Captain,”

“The Greatest Plague in Life,” “No Cure, No Pay,” “The Grecian

Bend,” “The War of the Roses,” “Lightheart’s Pilgrimage,”

“The Sculptor’s Triumph,” “Too Late for the Train,” “Snow-Bound,”

“The Peddler of Very Nice,” “Bonbons,” “Capuletta,”

“An Original Idea,” “Enlisted for the War,”

“Never say Die,” “The Champion of her Sex,”

“The Visions of Freedom,” “The Merry Christmas

of the Old Woman who lived in a

Shoe,” “The Tournament of Idylcourt,”

“A Thorn among the Roses,”

“A Christmas Carol,”

“One Hundred

Years Ago,”

&c.

BOSTON:

GEORGE M. BAKER AND COMPANY,

41-45 FRANKLIN STREET.

Copyright

By GEORGE M. BAKER,

1876.

Electrotyped at the Boston Stereotype Foundry,

19 Spring Lane.

A MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE.

A FARCE.

CHARACTERS.

Captain Boliver Bobstay, “Mysteriously disappeared.”

Charles Cleverly, an Amateur Farmer.

Dixon Dolby, out for a Day’s Sport.

Carlos Carrots, a Farm Hand.

Mrs. Cleverly, Charles’s Wife.

Nelly Cleverly, Charles’s Sister.

Miss Persis Grievous, “Widow Bobstay.”

COSTUMES.

CAPTAIN. Wide-bottomed trousers, and “Reefer” of blue; blue shirt; black handkerchief; bald wig for own; black wig and big black whiskers for disguise.

DOLBY. Checkered suit; gaiters; Jockey cap.

CHARLES. Blue flannel suit; wide-brimmed straw hat.

CARLOS. Wide straw hat; heavy shoes; blue stockings; short pants; and jacket open; with red or yellow waistcoat; red wig.

NELLY. Pretty muslin dress, with apron and morning cap.

MRS. C. Morning dress.

MISS PERSIS. Red wig, with long curls. Dress very high-colored; spectacles of a light blue; hat. She is rather old, with affected girlish dress and ways.

SCENE.—Sitting-room in farm-house. Door in flat C. Window in flat L. Lounge under window. Table L. corner, back, with cover, books, and flowers. Small table, R. C. Arm-chair, L. C. Chair, L., near first entrance. Door R. and L. Nelly discovered dusting.

Nelly (throwing brush on lounge). That will do for to-day. It’s time Carlos were back from the post-office. I am anxious to obtain a letter from my invisible adorer, Dixon Dolby. How my good brother would open his eyes if he knew the extent of my wickedness. Three months ago, six of us girls at school, desirous of acquiring proficiency in correspondence, agreed to write to gentlemen whom we had never met, but whom we knew by reputation to be gentlemen. My choice was my brother’s chum before his marriage, Dixon Dolby. My plan succeeded admirably. He answered the note signed, Rosa Bean. The most tender and impassioned epistles followed on both sides, until at last he had the impudence to request an exchange of photographs. I consented, but was not fool enough to allow him to discover my identity; so, to secure his, I sent instead a photograph of my brother’s wife. I knew they had never met, but they must; and when they do, won’t there be fun. I only hope I shall be at the denouement. Ah! here’s Carlos.

(Enter CARLOS, C., with two letters and a paper.)

Well, Carlos, what success?

Carlos (putting letters behind him). Hey? What’ll you give to know? Ought to give a feller somethin’ purty sweet, cos I ran all the way.

Nelly. Indeed I will, Carlos. My warmest thanks and my sweetest smile.

Carlos. Is that all? Well, here’s a letter (gives her a letter).

Nelly. O, thank you, Carlos. You’re a dear, good boy (takes letter, and sits in arm-chair, L.).

Carlos (comes down R., puts newspaper on table). Kinder thought I might get somethin’ sweeter; a kiss, perhaps. But I s’pose she was afraid somebody might be lookin’. I wouldn’t a cared if they had. She’s jest as purty as a pictur; and I kinder think she hankers arter me. I jest like her, you bet! Wish sometimes I could be a caterpillar, and crawl under her purty feet. I couldn’t be more smashed than I am now. Wal, I’ll go and hunt up Mr. Cleverly with the other letter (goes up C.). Nothin’ wantin’, Miss Nelly?

Nelly. Nothing; thank you, Carlos.

Carlos (at door). O, she’s a beauty. Takes such pains to call me Carlos. Mr. Cleverly he always calls me Careless, ’cause he says it’s my natur.                [Exit C.

Nelly (takes photograph from letter). There he is; charming fellow. He has no idea I am the sister of his best friend. Not bad-looking (holds photograph up).

(Enter MRS. CLEVERLY with hat and shawl, door L. She looks over NELLY’S shoulder at picture.)

A girl might be happy with such a man. I’ve no doubt I shall blush when we meet. (To photograph.) You dear fellow, you are good-looking and smart—

Mrs. C. Indeed he is, Nelly.

Nelly (jumping up). O, good gracious! you here?

Mrs. C. Have I disturbed your devotions? Who is he? When will it be?

Nelly (puts photograph in her bosom). Nonsense; it’s only a slight acquaintance.

Mrs. C. You do not slight his picture. I should say he was a bosom-friend. Where’s Charley?

Nelly. Out on the farm, hilling corn, I believe.

Mrs. C. Poor fellow! how his corns must ache! and his back. Ha, ha, ha! He works so hard to make a pleasure of what he does not enjoy. Nell, tell him, if he comes in, I’ve run over to Mrs. Young’s to borrow her pat. I won’t be gone long.                [Exit C.

Nelly. She saw him, but she doesn’t know him. If she only knew what he received in exchange. Well, I’m not going to spoil a frolic for fear of the consequences.

Charles (outside). Hang the corn, Careless; my back’s nearly broken now.

(Enter C. with a hoe, followed by CARLOS.)

Carlos. How about the onions, sir?

Charles. How about them as much as you like, but no hoe about them for me.

Carlos. They won’t be worth a cent.

Charles. Well, don’t get sentimental over them, Careless. They’re not worth weeping over; no, Careless. I’ve set myself up for an independent farmer, and there’s no clause regarding hoeing in my declaration of independence. You shall have a holiday: you needn’t work to-day. You’re not very fond of it at any time; but this day we have a visitor.

Nelly. A visitor?

Charles. Yes, Nelly. I’ve got word from him; he’s coming down for a day’s sport. The very man I’ve picked out to lead you to the hymeneal altar.

Carlos. Gosh all hemlock!

Charles. What’s the matter, Careless?

Carlos. Me—I—nothin’; only darned skeeter up my nose.

Nelly. Picked out for me? Thank you; I can do my own picking.

Charles. And your own leading too. You’re smart enough to do the leading business. Where’s Jenny, “the girl I left behind me”?

Nelly. She left before you—came in. She ran over to Mrs. Young’s to borrow her pat.

Charles. Her Pat? Haven’t I told her I wouldn’t have an Irishman on the place?

Nelly. Ha, ha, ha! It’s a butter pat.

Carlos. Ho, ho, ho!

Charles. What’s the matter with you, Careless? (Carlos looks sober.) Do that again, and you’ll get anything but a pat. Go, make yourself presentable; put your auburn locks in curl-papers, and wash your face. You shall guide my friend in his day’s sport.

Carlos. Yes, sir. (Aside) He’s going to lead her with a halter, is he? I’ll show him sport.                [Exit C.

Charles. Yes, Nelly, we’re to have a visit from my old chum, Dixie Dolby.

Nelly. Good gracious! he coming here?

Charles. Yes; for the first time; and to the country for the first time, too. This little matrimonial scheme of mine is the only secret I ever had from him. He didn’t know I was courting Jenny Bobstay until he received my wedding-cards. Wasn’t he surprised? No more than I, however. Just a year ago, that highly respectable old mariner, Captain Boliver Bobstay, mysteriously disappeared from Valparaiso, where the stanch bark “Indigo Blue” was waiting for a cargo. His coat and hat were found upon the pier; but the wearer never did appear upon that pier again.

Nelly. And he was not heard of again?

Charles. No. Yes. Six months ago, Jenny received a deed of this place from Uncle Bobstay. How it came, or where it came from, nobody knew; but it was found all right, and being a nice cosy place here, we married and settled upon it three months ago.

Nelly. But, Charley, your friend—

Charles. O, yes; Dolby—clever fellow. You’ve never met him, Nelly?

Nelly. No. I’ve often heard you speak of him, and feel inclined to like him.

Charles. I know you will, Nelly. Now let’s have something nice for dinner, in honor of our guest; something extra, you know.

Nelly. I’ll look after the dinner. When he comes, we shall have something extra.                [Exit R.

Charles. She’s a nice girl. I hope Dixie will like her. To think of his coming down here to see me a married man. Why, I should almost as soon expect, Uncle Bobstay to walk in at my door.

(Enter C. BOBSTAY. He has a black wig and black whiskers.)

Bobstay (at door). Avast there! Are the decks, clear? Sh—

Charles. Hallo! Who have we here? Come in.

Bobstay (comes down R.). All right, my hearty. When a messmate’s going down in the briny—for the last time, mind—what do we do? Why, we extends a helping hand, and grabs him by the hair of the head, don’t we?

Charles. That is the first impulse—unless he’s bald.

Bobstay (extending hand). Put it there; give us your flipper (they shake hands). All right. Here’s your hand and ’ere’s my head! Take a good hold of it, as if I was agoin’ down for the last time. Now, steady. (CHARLES takes hold of his wig, and BOBSTAY seizes his beard.) Let fall all! (He stands back, pulling off whiskers. CHARLES pulls off wig.)

Charles. Uncle Bobstay!

Bobstay. Hush! Easy, Charley, easy. Bobstay of the Indigo Blue, he went up—no, down—leastwise he went off. I’m a sperit, you understand? I’m the Ancient Mariner—Captain Kyd—the Great Unknown—anything you please but Bobstay. He mysteriously disappeared; let him be missed.

Charles. But what have you been doing? What’s the trouble?

Bobstay. A deep one—deeper than the sea. Hush! Put it there (shakes hands). There’s a woman at the bottom.

Charles. At the bottom of the sea? Good gracious!

Bobstay. No. I wish she was, Charley. Put it there (shakes hands). You’ve heard me speak of Spanker, skipper of the Venetian Red?

Charles. Many a time. He was a particular friend of yours, I believe.

Bobstay. Charley, listen to a tale that would make the marines blush. When I reached Valparaiso on my last run, I found the Venetian Red there before me; but I found that Spanker had “mysteriously disappeared.”[A] His hat and coat were found upon the pier, and he was supposed to be beneath the waves.

[A] A wink and finger on side of nose when these words are used through the play.

Charles. What a coincidence!

Bobstay. Charley, he left a widow. I found her in Venetian Red on board the mourning black,—no—in mourning red onboard the Venetian—

Charles. No matter about the colors; go on.

Bobstay. Charley, she was in distress; and did you ever hear of a tar who found a lass in distress, and deserted her? Never. In a week I had asked her to marry me. In ten days we were married in church.

Charles. Married! Then you are—

Bobstay. Mysteriously disappeared; that’s the p’int. We were married in church. And now for an astonishing disclosure. When we came out of church, who should I see but Spanker—the dead and gone Spanker—peeping round a corner, with a grin on his face and a finger on his nose.

Charles. What! Why, this is bigamy!

Bobstay. What-amy? ’Twas a swindle!

Charles. Unhappy man! How did you act? What did you say?

Bobstay. I said nothing; put the lady, Mrs. Spanker Bobstay, into the carriage, shut the door, and mysteriously disappeared.

Charles. And your wife?

Bobstay. Avast there! She’s Spanker’s wife.

Charles. But he basely deserted her.

Bobstay. So did I. Mysteriously disappeared.

Charles. But where have you been? What have you been doing all this time?

Bobstay. Pursuing the phantom ship, Sylvester Spanker.

Charles. Have you any trace of him?

Bobstay. Trace, my hearty? He’s made a clean run, blast his toplights!

Charles. Then she is yours now.

Bobstay. Is she? That’s a p’int for the sharks to argue. I didn’t marry his widow; I couldn’t marry his wife; and yet I’m a married man.

Charles. But you love her, captain?

Bobstay. Ease off a bit. If Spanker mysteriously disappeared, there’s reason for Spanker’s disappearance. And as the aforesaid widow, when I married her, who didn’t prove to be a widow after I married her, boxed my ears twice afore the ceremony, the p’ints of my matrimonial compass don’t p’int that way much.

Charles. But where is she?

Bobstay. In chase of another craft, my boy. Close-reefed, to overhaul a young spark, with a view to engage him. Shall I destroy his happiness? That’s a p’int. Shall I appear like a spectre and forbid the banns? That’s another p’int. No, my boy. I’ll set ... down here; keep under water till she’s fairly hooked.

Charles. But suppose Spanker should turn up?

Bobstay. That’s a p’int we can’t argue. Mum’s the word. I’m a spirit. Bobstay’s gone up. Keep dark. Not a word to your wife now.

Charles. But Jenny don’t know you are here!

Bobstay. No? I’ll hide in the barn—in the pigsty—anywhere until the widow’s hooked.

(Enter CARLOS, C. from L.)

Carlos. Say, Mr. Cleverly, here’s a woman wants to see you.                [Exit C. to R.

Bobstay. A woman? Then I’ll get under hatches (runs to table R.C. and puts on wig and whiskers). That used to be my state-room. I’ll look it over. Mind, Charley, mum’s the word. I’m a spirit; mysteriously disappeared. You understand? [Exit door R.

Charles. But I say, captain!—He’s pitched into Nelly’s room. No matter. I’ll have him out as soon as I’ve finished with my visitor. Who can she be?

(Enter C., MISS PERSIS GRIEVOUS, tragically.)

Persis, C. You are Mr. Charles Cleverly?

Charles. At your service, madam.

Persis. Monster! Traitor! Arch conspirator!

Charles. Madam!

Persis. You are the friend of Dixon Dolby. My Dixie. You have enticed him from my loving presence; from me, the woman who adores him; for what?

Charles. A day’s sport, he says.

Persis. Sport! You are like the wicked boy, and I the innocent frog. What’s sport to you is death to me. Last night he told me of his proposed visit. This morning I found in his room beneath his pillow—for we both lodge beneath the same roof; and I, in his absence, enter his sanctum as a privileged guest of that dear and worthy Mrs. Sprygs, who lets rooms at five dollars per week, lights included—

Charles (aside). For particulars, see small bills.

Persis.—Beneath the pillow, which his ambrosial locks had pressed, I found this note, and this picture (shows photograph). Do you recognize it?

Charles (looks at photograph). Good heavens! My wife!

Persis. Your wife? Then you, like me, are a victim. I blush for my anger. Let us in each other’s arms mingle our tears (approaching CHARLES with arms extended).

Charles (backing to R.). Not just yet. Explain this, and at once.

Persis. Does it need explanation? Here is the picture, and here the note signed Rosa Bean. A clandestine correspondence. I see it all, at once. Under the pretext of a day’s sport, he comes here to make love to your wife.

Charles. The confounded scoundrel!

Persis. Speak gently of the erring. I love him. Yes, spite his faults, I love him still. I am here to save him—to save you. I am a succoring angel.

Charles. Give me that note (takes note). Not my wife’s handwriting; evidently disguised. O, Jenny, Jenny, have I lost-you?

Persis. O, Dixie, Dixie, have I lost you?

Dolby (outside). Hallo! Charley, old boy, where are you?

Persis. His voice. How it thr-r-r-ills me! But he must not see me here. Where can I hide? (Goes to door L.) In this room? Get him away, and I will return. Then we can make plans to circumvent them.

[Exit door L.

Charles. But, madam, that’s my wife’s room. She’s gone. Can I be awake? My Jenny corresponding with my friend! And he in love? O, it’s absurd!

(DOLBY appears at door with a fishing-rod in case, a gun, and a scoop-net with handle, clumsily held in his arms; a game-bag swung one side, and a fishing-basket the other.)

Dolby. Ah, there you are, Charley. And here I am, armed and equipped as the law directs. (Attempts to enter; gun gets across the doorway. Backs and tries again; net gets across the doorway. Business repeated.) Well, well, this is getting interesting (enters). Ah! here we are (drops everything on floor, and runs to CHARLES, hands extended). How are you, old fellow? Alive and kicking? Domestic bliss and rural felicity? Happy chap!

Charles (shakes hands). Glad to see you, Dixie. Welcome.

Dolby. That’s hearty. Where’s your wife? Must see her, you know. I came to enjoy the beauties of the country, and you’ve the brightest and loveliest. I know you know—of course you know.

Charles (aside). He knows, confound him! (Aloud) She’s out just now. You shall see her.

Dolby. Now let’s see—what shall we do first? There’s fishing, hunting, and making love to a pretty girl. I’ve only a day, and we must crowd lots of fun into ten hours.

Charles. Well, what say you to lunch first?

Dolby. Nothing for me, save a glass of warm milk from the hands of a dairymaid. I’ve come down here to breathe the country air. Stop a moment. I forgot that (runs up to door C. and stands breathing hard, and striking his breast). Ah, that’s the sort; the invigorating air of the country. Ah! (with a long breath) there’s the first dose.

(Enter NELLY, R. DOLBY comes down L.)

Charles. And here’s the dairymaid. My sister, Dixie. Mr. Dixon Dolby, Nelly.

Dolby. Ah, delightful (bows). What a pretty girl! What cheeks! What a shape!

Nelly. Your first visit to the country, Mr. Dolby?

Dolby. I’m ashamed to say it is, Miss Nelly. But it’s delightful; such a quantity of trees and grass; houses not quite so plenty.

Charles. Mr. Dolby would like a glass of milk.

Dolby. Yes, thank you; cow’s milk, if the cows are at leisure.

Nelly. O, quite. I’ll bring it at once.                [Exit R.

Dolby. Charley, my boy, your sister’s a perfect beauty.

Charles. Sit down, Dolby (DOLBY brings chair up to table L. CHARLES brings one down from back; they sit R. and L.) I had hopes that you would come down here heart-whole; but I learn that you are already engaged in a love affair.

Dolby. Don’t mention it (PERSIS opens door, steps out, and listens). The most absurd thing; a little country-house flirtation with a lady old enough to be my mother.

Persis. The wretch!

Dolby. Unfortunately, one evening I lay upon my bed, smoking and reading, with my door open into the passage, on the farther side of which is located the room of Miss Persis Grievous. Well, I dropped off to sleep, the pipe dropped from my mouth, and I was awakened by the cry of “fire,” and a brisk shaking from my female friend across the passage. I had set fire to the bed, which was easily put out; not so the flame which had been kindled in the breast of my fair but aged deliverer.

Persis. The heartless scoundrel!

Dolby. From that time she has pursued me with a relentless love. I cannot escape her.

Charles. And you are engaged?

Dolby. Not exactly. Pegoty is willing, but Barkis is not; for, Charley, I am in love with a phantom.

Charles. Then you’d better give up the ghost, and make Persis happy.

Dolby. No; I can never love but one, “Rosa Bean.” Isn’t that a pretty name? I’ll show you her face (hunts pockets). Confound it, I’ve left her photograph under my pillow!

Persis. O, the wretch! I’ll never forgive him—never—(disappears into room L.).

(Enter NELLY, R. with glass pitcher of milk and goblet.)

Nelly. Here’s the milk, Mr. Dolby.

Dolby. O, thank you (she fills goblet, standing behind table. DOLBY drinks). Here’s your best health. Ah, what milk! I haven’t tasted anything like that since I was—a very little child.

Nelly. Can I bring you anything else?

Dolby. No, I’m obliged to you. By the way, is there a young lady in the neighborhood named “Rosa Bean”?

Nelly. “Bean”—“Bean”—No. There are no Beans here; there’s a Rosa Higgins about half a mile from here.

Dolby. O, she won’t do.

Charles. There are Rows of Beans in the garden; how will those suit, Dixie? Ha, ha, ha!

Nelly. To which I will introduce you at dinner. Good-bye till then.                [Exit R.

Dolby. Good-bye (rises and puts back chair to L. CHARLES rises). Now, then, Charley, let’s try the fish (takes his pole and net).

Charles. Really, Dixie, I cannot leave the house just now. I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll send my man with you, and join you soon (goes to door C.). Here, Careless! Careless!

Carlos (enter C.). Yes, sir. Here I am!

Charles. Careless, show this gentleman to the fishing-pond. (Dolby at back, busies himself with tackle.)

Carlos. Fishing-pond! Where’s that?

Charles (aside). Shut up, you fool! Behind the barn.

Carlos. Ho, ho, ho! that’s a pretty fishing-pond! Why, there’s nothin’ there ’cept skeeters!

Charles. Well, they bite, don’t they? You’d better take Towzer along with you, he wants exercise.

Carlos. Towzer? Why, he’s not sociable with strangers.

Charles. Do as I bid you.

Carlos. All right, Mister. Come along, sir—I’ll show you sport!

Dolby. That’s the sort.

Carlos. What kind of fishing do you like best? Do’nt make any difference here. (Aside) Have to fish a darn long spell afore you get any.

Dolby. Well, s’pose we try for cod—no, I mean mackerel. Any blue-fish about here?

Carlos. Ho, ho, ho!

Charles. Careless!

Carlos. Blue-fish? Wal, no; we’re out of blue-fish to-day. (Aside) Lord, he is green!

Dolby. No matter; lead me to the lake where sport the finny tribe.

Carlos. Funny what? Gosh all hemlock! thought you was going a fishing!

Dolby. O, come along, it’s getting late. Good-bye, Charley. Don’t forget I must see your wife.

[Exit C.

Carlos. Say, Mister, who’s agoin’ to dig the bait, say?                [Exit C.

Charles. Still harping on my wife. I’ll know the meaning of this ere I am an hour older.

(Enter PERSIS from door L.)

Persis. At last he is gone, and we may arrange our plans.

Bobstay (opens door R.). Ahoy, Charley! (PERSIS screams, and runs into room L. Enter BOBSTAY.) Aha! a woman! Who is it? (Creeps across stage on tiptoe, and peeps into keyhole, door L.)

Charles (seizes him by arm and whirls him to R.). What are you about, captain? There’s a lady in that room.

Bobstay. I must have a peep at her (runs up and looks into keyhole). Ah, ha! ’tis she! (falls back into CHARLES’S arms).

Charles. She! Who?

Bobstay (recovering himself). Hush! Spanker’s wife! My widow, you know! Our evil genius! It’s a judgment on me for giving up the search for the lost Spanker. I must be off. Good-bye; put it there (they shake hands). If I’m asked for, you know—mysteriously disappeared—(goes up to door C.).

Mrs. C. (outside C.) Charley! Charley!

Bobstay (comes down R.). There’s a craft bearing down this way; mum’s the word, Charley.

[Exit door R.

(Enter PERSIS from room L.)

Persis. Shall we never be alone?

Charles. Hush! go back; my wife is here!

Persis. Your wife? Rosa Bean? I’ll scratch her eyes out!

Charles (pushing her into room). No, no; you’ll spoil all. They meet!—’twould never do (locks door and takes out key. MRS. C. appears at door C.)

Mrs. C. Why, Charles, what are you doing? Locking my door?

Charles (confused). Yes—no—that is, I was afraid the cat would get in there, and so I locked it.

Mrs. C. I want to put my things away.

Charles. I wouldn’t take them off now, it’s a little chilly here.

Mrs. C. Chilly! Why, Charles, are you ill? How pale you look! If it were anybody else, I should say a guilty look was on your face.

Charles (aside). A guilty look! and she in clandestine correspondence with Dolby! (Aloud) Guilty? absurd! (Aside) What have I done? Locked a woman in her room,—and I suspect her? O, here’s a muddle!

Mrs. C. Well, as you do not seem inclined to let me into my room, I will lay off my things in Nelly’s (goes to door R.). Why, this is locked too!

Charles. O, yes, yes; I forgot to tell you. I—I locked up the dog in there.

Mrs. C. The dog Towzer! What for?

Charles. Well, I was just going to sit down to read, and I didn’t want to be disturbed.

Dog outside. “Bow, wow, wow!”

Mrs. C. Ah, Towzer seems to have found the way out.

Charles. I wish I could. (Dog barks.)

Dolby (outside). Help! murder! help! (Comes tumbling in through the window on to lounge; rolls on to floor.) Confound that dog! (gets up rubbing his knees.)

Charles. What luck, Dolby. Did you get a bite?

Dolby. Yes; two of them; and if my legs hadn’t done good service, that confounded dog would have made a meal of me (still rubbing his knees, not looking up. MRS. CLEVERLY, down R.).

Charles. Sorry, Dolby, you didn’t have better luck. (Aside) Now to test my wife (steps C.). Allow me to present you to my wife. Mrs. Cleverly, my friend Dixon Dolby. Dixie, this is the lady you have longed to meet.

Dolby (comes down L.; looks across). Rosa Bean! Good gracious!

Charles. No, no. My poor friend, you are growing crazy with your absurd phantom, Rosa Bean.

Dolby. Good gracious, it’s her! And I—I—unhappy wretch!—am in love with Charley’s wife! What will become of me? I shall be found out (wipes face with handkerchief).

Mrs. C. I hope you are enjoying your day’s sport, Mr. Dolby.

Dolby. O, immensely! You see we took the dog along for a photograph—no, for company. Don Carlos said we’d better; and he got interested in my arrangements; and just as I stooped over to put on a bait, somebody said, “St’boy!” and I suppose he mistook me for the boy,—at any rate, took a bite. Then it suddenly occurred to me that there was “no place like home.”

(Enter CARLOS, C.)

Carlos. Say, Mister, what did you want to scoot for jist as it was gettin’ interesting?

Dolby. Interesting, Don Carlos? It was getting exciting! (Aside) Heavens! how shall I get out of this scrape?—Charley’s wife!—He’ll murder me! (Aloud) Charley, I really believe I’ll take the next train.

Charles. Nonsense. You’ve not tried the gunning yet. Finish your day’s sport.

Dolby (aside). I wish I could, at once.

Charles. Careless will take you to the game!

Dolby (takes gun). All right. Don Carlos, we’ll try the game; (aside) and I’m off to the train. No more of this sport for me, thank you.

Carlos. Say, what do you want to shoot?

Dolby. How’s the deer?

Carlos. Deer? Ho, ho, ho! They’re purty well; but we’re out on ’em jist now.

Dolby. Well, a buffalo or two.

Carlos. Ho, ho, ho!

Dolby. Hang it! don’t stand there grinning; let’s shoot something quick.                [Exit C. and off L.

Carlos (aside). Darned if I don’t take him down into Buffalo Bill’s paster. He’ll shoot the fence quicker than scat.                [Exit C.

Mrs. C. Now that the dog is out of the way, I suppose you can have no objection to—

Charles. By the way, Jenny, I’d nearly forgotten it; but Mrs. Jenks, our neighbor, was here just now, and her baby’s taken sick—awful; wants you. It’s got a sudden attack of squills, I think she said.

Mrs. C. Indeed! I’ll run over at once; that is, if you can spare me.

Charles. O, certainly—that is, no—yes. They’re not catching, are they?

Mrs. C. I think not. Good-bye (goes up C.). (Aside) There’s something wrong with Charley. I’ll not go far.                [Exit C.

Charles. Now to get that confounded Bobstay out of the way (goes towards door R.).

(Enter NELLY, R. 1 E.)

Nelly. Charley, what do you want in my room?

Charles. O, nothing—that is—I was looking for you.

Nelly. And having found me—

Charles. I want you to advise me. Read that. (Gives note.)

Nelly (aside). Nobody can do it better than I (reads). Well, Charley?

Charles. Well, Charley. No, ill Charley; a decidedly badly-used Charley. Do you know that photograph?

Nelly. It’s our Jenny.

Charles. Our Jenny! And it’s sent to my friend Dolby. I’ll murder him!

Nelly. Now, Charley, don’t be jealous. I’ve no doubt Jenny will explain matters to your entire satisfaction. (PERSIS knocks at door L.) Ah, who’s that?

Charles (moving to door L.). It’s the cat. Scat, pussy, pussy, pussy!

Nelly, R. (changes photograph in note for another). I’ll see if we cannot put a new face upon the matter. (Aloud) Here’s your note, Charley. Don’t be jealous; it doesn’t look well in a man at all.                [Exit R.

Charles. Now to let the captain out. (Goes to door R.; raps). I say, captain—coast clear!

(Enter BOBSTAY, with a calico skirt pinned about his waist, a red shawl over his shoulders, and a straw bonnet on his head.)

Gracious! what’s the meaning of that rig?

Bobstay. Disguise; run the gantlet; slip my cable. See, I’m here—I’m gone. If anybody asks for Bobstay, you know—mysteriously disappeared. [Goes to door C.

(Enter MRS. CLEVERLY, C.)

MRS. C. One moment, if you please.

Bobstay (aside). Shiver my timbers, it’s Jenny!

Charles. She’s found him out!

Mrs. C. (leading BOBSTAY down R. by arm). I have no objections to my husband’s entertaining ladies in my absence; but I have decided objections to their leaving my house with property not their own. I’ll thank you for that shawl.

Bobstay. Ay, ay. (Takes off shawl.)

Mrs. C. And that bonnet.

Bobstay (takes off bonnet). Ay, ay.

Mrs. C. Captain Bobstay! Uncle Boliver!

(Enter MISS PERSIS, door L.)

Persis. Captain Bobstay! My husband! (Shrieks, and falls into CHARLES’S arms.)

Bobstay. ’Tis she; support me, Jenny (falls into MRS. C.’S arms).

(Report of gun outside C.)

Dolby. Help! murder! help! (Runs in through door C., turns and shuts door; puts his back against it.) Hallo! what’s the matter here?

Mrs. C. So, sir, you have deceived me. And this lady is—

Charles. Your aunt, Mrs. Captain Bobstay.

Bobstay. ’Tis false!

Persis. Boliver! my own—(approaching him.)

Bobstay. No, nothing of the kind, madam. You married me and I married you under a mistake. When you can bring me convincing proof of the death of your husband Spanker,—a leg or an arm of the aforesaid will be sufficient proof,—I am ready to talk business. Till then, madam, I am free.

Persis. Boliver—

Bobstay. O, I shall boil over if you are not silent (sits at table R., takes up paper; reads. MISS PERSIS moves about him, trying to get sight of his face; he keeps the paper before him).

Charles. Now, Mrs. Cleverly, having cleared myself to your satisfaction, I hope—(sees DOLBY) Hallo! Dolby, what are you doing there?

Dolby. Fact is, Charley, I’ve shot something!

(CARLOS sticks his head into window.)

Carlos. Yes, darn you, you shot a calf! But Buffalo Bill, our black bull, tossed you over the fence in no time. Ho, ho, ho! You’re a sportsman, you are!

[Exit C.

Dolby. Charley, I guess I’ll go home. I’ve lost my net, my rod, and my gun; and if your game are as active as your friend Buffalo William, I’d rather not be hunting, thank you.

Charles. Do you recognize that note, Dolby? (Gives note.)

Dolby. O, Lord, it’s! coming! Here’s a pretty day’s sport! That note? O, yes. That note is—

Charles. From my wife, I believe.

Dolby. O, heavens, it’s all over! Charley, ’pon my word, I hadn’t the least idea that Rosa Bean was your wife. If I had—

Charles. Silence! (Snatches note from DOLBY, and runs to C.) And you, madam, what have you to say to it? (Gives note to MRS. C.)

(Enter NELLY, C.)

Mrs. C. (looking at it.) Say! What can I say? This in no way concerns me.

Charles. Indeed! And the picture?

Mrs. C. O, the picture. (Looks at it.) Why, it’s our Nelly.

Charles and Dolby. Our Nelly!

Nelly. Yes, our Nelly—who is answerable for all this mischief. She is the writer of the note—the unknown correspondent of our friend Mr. Dixon Dolby, Rosa Bean.

Dolby. Well, that’s clever (runs up to her, C.). How do you do (shakes hands). (They go to lounge and sit talking.)

Mrs. C. And you suspected me, Charley!

Charles. What could I do? Your aunt Bobstay brought me your picture, which somehow has mysteriously disappeared.

Bobstay (jumping up). “Mysteriously disappeared.” Hark! listen! (reads.) “All friends of the supposed-to-be-drowned Sylvester Spanker, especially his widow, are hereby notified that he has returned to his ship, the Venetian Red, and will sail this day for Valparaiso.” Ha, ha! ho, ho! He’s found, and I am free! Widow, I congratulate you.

Persis. Spanker alive! Thank fortune, I am no longer dependent on the cold charities of the world!

Bobstay. Madam, put it there (they shake hands). We’ll go aboard the Venetian Red this very day. I’ll return property, and take my receipt, tear up our certificate, give you my blessing, and mysteriously disappear.

Dolby (comes down with NELLY). But what’s to become of me? Will you desert the life you saved? Persis—

Persis. Bother! You’d better be silent. I was in that room when you told the story with such complimentary allusions to me.

Dolby. Ahem! Mum’s the word.

Charles. Come, Nelly, let’s have dinner. (Exit NELLY L.) This little muddle is happily ended.

Dolby. I’ve had my day’s sport; not just what I expected, but it’s ending happily.

Charles. The widow has found her husband.

Bobstay. For which we return thanks.

(CARLOS sticks his head in window.)

Carlos. Say, you’ll never see that calf again; she’s gin her last blat.

(Enter NELLY, R.)

Nelly. Dinner’s ready.

Charles (gives his wife his arm, C.). Come, let’s to dinner. (DOLBY and NELLY arm in arm, R.; CAPTAIN and MISS PERSIS arm in arm, L.) Are you ready, captain?

Bobstay. Ay, ay, Charley, with a rousing appetite. So heave ahead; we’ll follow in your wake. I’m happy. You are happy, widow. Yes, we’re all happy—for we’ve had a day’s sport, and all our troubles have—mysteriously disappeared.

[Curtain.]

SPENCER’S UNIVERSAL STAGE.

A Collection of COMEDIES, DRAMAS, and FARCES, adapted to either Public or Private Performance. Containing a full description of all the necessary Stage business.

PRICE, 15 CENTS EACH. ☞ No Plays exchanged.

1. Lost in London. A Drama in Three Acts. 6 Male, 4 Female characters.

2. Nicholas Flam. A Comedy in Two Acts. By J. B. Buckstone. 5 Male, 3 Female characters.

3. The Welsh Girl. A Comedy in One Act. By Mrs. Planche. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

4. John Wopps. A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 4 Male, 2 Female characters.

5. The Turkish Bath. A Farce in One Act. By Montague Williams and F. C. Burnand. 6 Male, 1 Female character.

6. The Two Puddifoots. A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 3 Female characters.

7. Old Honesty. A Comic Drama in Two Acts. By J. M. Morton. 5 Male, 2 Female characters.

8. Two Gentlemen in a Fix. A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 2 Male characters.

9. Smashington Goit. A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 5 Male, 3 Female characters.

10. Two Heads Better than One. A Farce in One Act. By Lenox Horne. 4 Male, 1 Female character.

11. John Hobbs. A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 5 Male, 2 Female characters.

12. The Daughter of the Regiment. A Drama in Two Acts. By Edward Fitzball. 6 Male, 2 Female characters.

13. Aunt Charlotte’s Maid. A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 3 Female characters.

14. Brother Bill and Me. A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 4 Male, 3 Female characters.

15. Done on Both Sides. A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

16. Dunducketty’s Picnic. A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 6 Male, 3 Female characters.

17. I’ve written to Browne. A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 3 Female characters.

18. Lending a Hand. A Farce in One Act. By G. A. A’Becket. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

19. My Precious Betsy. A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 4 Male, 4 Female characters.

20. My Turn Next. A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 3 Female characters.

21. Nine Points of the Law. A Comedy in One Act. By Tom Taylor. 4 Male, 3 Female characters.

22. The Phantom Breakfast. A Farce in One Act. By Charles Selby. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

23. Dandelions Dodges. A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 2 Female characters.

24. A Slice of Luck. A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 4 Male, 2 Female characters.

25. Always Intended. A Comedy in One Act. By Horace Wigan. 3 Male, 3 Female characters.

26. A Bull in a China Shop. A Comedy in Two Acts. By Charles Matthews. 6 Male, 4 Female characters.

27. Another Class. A Drama in One Act. By Thomas Morton. 6 Male, 3 Female characters.

28. Bowled Out. A Farce in One Act. By H. T. Craven. 4 Male, 3 Female characters.

29. Cousin Tom. A Commedietta in One Act. By George Roberts. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

30. Sarah’s Young Man. A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 3 Male, 3 Female characters.

31. Hit Him, He has No Friends. A Farce in One Act. By E. Yates and N. H. Harrington. 7 Male, 3 Female characters.

32. The Christening. A Farce in One Act. By J. B. Buckstone. 5 Male 6 Female characters.

33. A Race for a Widow. A Farce in One Act. By Thomas J. Williams. 5 Male, 4 Female characters.

34. Your Life’s in Danger. A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 3 Female characters.

35. True unto Death. A Drama in Two Acts. By J. Sheridan Knowles. 6 Male, 2 Female characters.

36. Diamond cut Diamond. An Interlude in One Act. By W. H. Murray. 10 Male, 1 Female character.

37. Look after Brown. A Farce in One Act. By George A. Stuart, M. D. 6 Male, 1 Female character.

38. Monseigneur. A Drama in Three Acts. By Thomas Archer. 15 Male, 3 Female characters.

39. A very pleasant Evening. A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 3 Male characters.

40. Brother Ben. A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 3 Female characters.

41. Only a Clod. A Comic Drama in One Act. By J. P. Simpson. 4 Male, 1 Female character.

42. Gaspardo the Gondolier. A Drama in Three Acts. By George Almar. 10 Male, 2 Female characters.

43. Sunshine through the Clouds. A Drama in One Act. By Slingsby Lawrence. 3 Male, 3 Female characters.

44. Don’t Judge by Appearances. A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

45. Nursey Chickweed. A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 2 Female characters.

46. Mary Moo; or, Which shall I Marry? A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 2 Male, 1 Female character.

47. East Lynne. A Drama in Five Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female characters.

48. The Hidden Hand. A Drama in Five Acts. By Robert Jones. 16 Male, 7 Female characters.

49. Silverstone’s Wager. A Commedietta in One Act. By R. R. Andrews. 4 Male, 3 Female characters.

50. Dora. A Pastoral Drama in Three Acts. By Charles Reade. 5 Male, 2 Female characters.

51. Blanks and Prizes. A Farce in One Act. By Dexter Smith. 5 Male, 2 Female characters.

52. Old Gooseberry. A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 2 Female characters.

53. Who’s Who. A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

54. Bouquet. A Farce in One Act. 2 Male, 3 Female characters.

55. The Wife’s Secret. A Play in Five Acts. By George W. Lovell. 10 Male, 2 Female characters.

56. The Babes in the Wood. A Comedy in Three Acts. By Tom Taylor. 10 Male, 3 Female characters.

57. Putkins: Heir to Castles in the Air. A Comic Drama in One Act. By W. R. Emerson. 2 Male, 2 Female characters.

58. An Ugly Customer. A Farce in One Act. By Thomas J. Williams. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

59. Blue and Cherry. A Comedy in One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

60. A Doubtful Victory. A Comedy in One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

61. The Scarlet Letter. A Drama in Three Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female characters.

62. Which will have Him? A Vaudeville. 1 Male, 2 Female characters.

63. Madam is Abed. A Vaudeville in One Act. 2 Male, 2 Female characters.

64. The Anonymous Kiss. A Vaudeville. 2 Male, 2 Female characters.

65. The Cleft Stick. A Comedy in Three Acts. 5 Male, 3 Female characters.

66. A Soldier, a Sailor, a Tinker, and a Tailor. A Farce in One Act. 4 Male, 2 Female characters.

67. Give a Dog a Bad Name. A Farce. 2 Male, 2 Female Characters.

68. Damon and Pythias. A Farce. 6 Male, 4 Female characters.

69. A Husband to Order. A Serio-Comic Drama in Two Acts. 5 Male, 3 Female characters.

70. Payable on Demand. A Domestic Drama in Two Acts. 7 Male, 1 Female character.

Price, 15 cents each. Descriptive Catalogue mailed free on application to

GEO. M. BAKER & CO.,

Nos. 41-45 Franklin Street, Boston.

*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ***

Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed.

Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution.

START: FULL LICENSE

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK

To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license.

Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.

1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below.

1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when you share it without charge with others.

1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country other than the United States.

1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:

1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed:

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.

1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™.

1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg™ License.

1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.

1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works provided that:

• You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.”

• You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ works.

• You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work.

• You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works.

1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.

1.F.

1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.

1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE.

1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem.

1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.

1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.

1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any Defect you cause.

Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™

Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life.

Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org.

Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws.

The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact

Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS.

The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate.

While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate.

International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.

Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate

Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.

Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.

Most people start at our website which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org.

This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.

Table of Contents

A MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE A FARCE.

A MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE. A FARCE.

CHARACTERS.

COSTUMES.

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE