The Project Gutenberg eBook of Sweet and Twenty, by Floyd Dell

This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at https://www.gutenberg.org/license. If you are not located in the United States, you’ll have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

Title: Sweet and Twenty

Subtitle: A Comedy in One Act

Author: Floyd Dell

Release Date: May 12, 2017 [EBook #54711]

Language: English

*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ***

E-text prepared by MFR, Nahum Maso i Carcases,

and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team

(http://www.pgdp.net)

from page images generously made available by

Internet Archive

(https://archive.org)

Note:

Images of the original pages are available through Internet Archive. See https://archive.org/details/sweettwentycomed00dellrich

Stewart Kidd Dramatic Anthologies

Fifty Contemporary One-Act Plays

Edited by

FRANK SHAY and PIERRE LOVING

This volume contains FIFTY REPRESENTATIVE ONE-ACT PLAYS of the MODERN THEATER, chosen from the dramatic works of contemporary writers all over the world and is the second volume in the Stewart Kidd Dramatic Anthologies, the first being European Theories of the Drama, by Barrett H. Clark, which has been so enthusiastically received.

The editors have scrupulously sifted countless plays and have selected the best available in English. One-half the plays have never before been published in book form; thirty-one are no longer available in any other edition.

The work satisfies a long-felt want for a handy collection of the choicest plays produced by the art theaters all over the world. It is a complete repertory for a little theater, a volume for the study of the modern drama, a representative collection of the world's best short plays.

CONTENTS

- AUSTRIA

- Schnitzler (Arthur)—Literature

- BELGIUM

- Maeterlinck (Maurice)—The Intruder

- BOLIVIA

- More (Federico)—Interlude

- FRANCE

- Ancey (George)—M. Lamblin

- Porto-Riche (Georges)—Francoise's Luck

- GERMANY

- Ettinger (Karl)—Altruism

- von Hofmannsthal (Hugo)—Madonna Dianora

- Wedekind (Frank)—The Tenor

- GREAT BRITAIN

- Bennett (Arnold)—A Good Woman

- Calderon (George)—The Little Stone House.

- Cannan (Gilbert)—Mary's Wedding

- Dowson (Ernest)—The Pierrot of the Minute.

- Ellis (Mrs. Havelock)—The Subjection of Kezia

- Hankin (St. John)—The Constant Lover

- INDIA

- Mukerji (Dhan Gopal)—The Judgment of Indra

- IRELAND

- Gregory (Lady)—The Workhouse Ward

- HOLLAND

- Speenhoff (J. H.)—Louise

- HUNGARY

- Biro (Lajos)—The Grandmother

- ITALY

- Giocosa (Giuseppe)—The Rights of the Soul

- RUSSIA

- Andreyev (Leonid)—Love of One's Neighbor

- Tchekoff (Anton)—The Boor

- SPAIN

- Benevente (Jacinto)—His Widow's Husband

- Quinteros (Serafina and Joaquin Alverez)—A Sunny Morning

- SWEDEN

- Strindberg (August)—The Creditor

- Wied (Gustave)—Autumn Fires

- UNITED STATES

- Beach (Lewis)—Brothers

- Cowan (Sada)—In the Morgue

- Crocker (Bosworth)—The Baby Carriage

- Cronyn (George W.)—A Death in Fever Flat

- Davies (Mary Carolyn)—The Slave with Two Faces

- Day (Frederick L.)—The Slump

- Flanner (Hildegard)—Mansions

- Glaspell (Susan)—Trifles

- Gerstenberg (Alice)—The Pot Boiler

- Helburn (Theresa)—Enter the Hero

- Hudson (Holland)—The Shepherd in the Distance

- Kemp (Harry)—Boccaccio's Untold Tale

- Langner (Lawrence)—Another Way Out

- MacMillan (Mary)—The Shadowed Star

- Millay (Edna St. Vincent)—Aro da Capo

- Moeller (Philip)—Helena's Husband

- O'Neill (Eugene)—Ile

- Stevens (Thomas Wood)—The Nursery Maid of Heaven

- Stevens (Wallace)—Three Travelers Watch a Sunrise

- Tompkins (Frank G.)—Sham

- Walker (Stuart)—The Medicine Show

- Wellman (Rita)—For All Time

- Wilde (Percival)—The Finger of God

- YIDDISH

- Ash (Sholom)—Night

- Pinski (David)—Forgotten Souls

Large 8vo, 585 pages. Net, $5.00

Send for Complete Dramatic Catalogue

STEWART KIDD COMPANY

PUBLISHERS, CINCINNATI, U. S. A.

STEWART KIDD MODERN PLAYS

Edited by Frank Shay

SWEET AND TWENTY

Stewart Kidd Modern Plays

Edited by FRANK SHAY

To meet the immensely increased demands of the play-reading public and those interested in the modern drama, Stewart Kidd are issuing under the general editorship of Frank Shay a series of plays from the pens of the world's best contemporary writers. No effort is being spared to secure the best work available, and the plays are issued in a form that is at once attractive to readers and suited to the needs of the performer and producer. Buffalo Express: "Each play is of merit. Each is unlike the other. The group furnishes a striking example of the realistic trend of the modern drama."

From time to time special announcements will be printed giving complete lists of the plays.

SHAM, a Social Satire in One Act. By Frank G. Tompkins.

Originally produced by Sam Hume, at the Arts and Crafts Theatre, Detroit.

San Francisco Bulletin: "The lines are new and many of them are decidedly clever."

Providence Journal: "An ingenious and merry little one-act play."

THE SHEPHERD IN THE DISTANCE, a Pantomime in One Act. By Holland Hudson. Originally produced by the Washington Square Players.

Oakland Tribune: "A pleasing pantomime of the Ancient East."

MANSIONS, a Play in One Act. By Hildegarde Flanner. Originally produced by the Indiana Little Theatre Society.

Three Arts Magazine: "This thoughtful and well-written play of Characters and Ideals has become a favorite with Little Theatres and is now available in print."

HEARTS TO MEND, a Fantasy in One Act. By H. A. Overstreet. Originally produced by the Fireside Players, White Plains, N. Y.

St. Louis Star: "It is a light whimsy and well carried out."

San Francisco Chronicle: "No one is likely to hear or read it without real and legitimate pleasure."

SIX WHO PASS WHILE THE LENTILS BOIL. By Stuart Walker.

Originally produced by the Portmanteau Players at Christodora House, New York City.

Brooklyn Eagle: "Literary without being pedantic, and dramatic without being noisy."

OTHERS TO FOLLOW. Bound in Art Paper. Each, net, .50

SWEET AND TWENTY

A COMEDY IN ONE ACT

By

FLOYD DELL

Author of

MOON CALF

First produced by the Provincetown Players, New York City January 25, 1918, with the following cast:

THE YOUNG WOMAN

Edna St. Vincent Millay

THE YOUNG MAN

Ordway Tead

THE AGENT

Otto Liveright

THE GUARD

Louis Ell

CINCINNATI

STEWART KIDD COMPANY

PUBLISHERS

COPYRIGHT, 1921

STEWART & KIDD COMPANY

All rights reserved

COPYRIGHT IN ENGLAND

SWEET AND TWENTY is fully protected by the copyright law, all requirements of which have been complied with. No performance, either professional or amateur, may be given without the written permission of the author or his representative, Stewart Kidd Company, Cincinnati, Ohio.

SWEET AND TWENTY

SCENE—A corner of the cherry orchard on the country place of the late Mr. Boggley, now on sale and open for inspection to prospective buyers. The cherry orchard, now in full bloom, is a very pleasant place. There is a green-painted rustic bench beside the path....

(This scene can be effectively produced on a small stage by a back-drop painted a blue-green color, with a single conventionalized cherry branch painted across it, and two three-leaved screens masking the wings, painted in blue-green with a spray of cherry blossoms).

A young woman, dressed in a light summer frock and carrying a parasol, drifts in from the back. She sees the bench, comes over to it and sits down with an air of petulant weariness.

A handsome young man enters from the right. He stops short in surprise on seeing the charming stranger who lolls upon the bench. He takes off his hat.

HE

Oh, I beg your pardon!

SHE

Oh, you needn't! I've no right to be here, either.

HE

(Coming down to her) Now what do you mean by that?

SHE

I thought perhaps you were playing truant, as I am.

HE

Playing truant?

SHE

I was looking at the house, you know. And I got tired and ran away.

HE

Well, to tell the truth, so did I. It's dull work, isn't it?

SHE

I've been upstairs and down for two hours. That family portrait gallery finished me. It was so old and gloomy and dead that I felt as if I were dead myself. I just had to do something. I wanted to jab my parasol through the window-pane. I understood just how the suffragettes felt. But I was afraid of shocking the agent. He is such a meek little man, and he seemed to think so well of me. If I had broken the window I would have shattered his ideals of womanhood, too, I'm afraid. So I just slipped away quietly and came here.

HE

I've only been there half an hour and we—I've only been in the basement. That's why our tours of inspection didn't bring us together sooner. I've been cross-examining the furnace. Do you understand furnaces? (He sits down beside her) I don't.

SHE

Do you like family portraits? I hate 'em!

HE

What! Do the family portraits go with the house?

SHE

No, thank heaven. They've been bequeathed to the Metropolitan Museum of Horrors, I understand. They're valuable historically—early colonial governors and all that sort of stuff. But there is someone with me who—who takes a deep interest in such things.

HE

(frowning at a sudden memory) Hm. Didn't I see you at that real estate office in New York yesterday?

SHE

Yes. He was with me then.

HE   (compassionately)

I—I thought I remembered seeing you with—with him.

SHE   (cheerfully)

Isn't he just the sort of man who would be interested in family portraits?

HE   (confused)

Well—since you ask me—I—!

SHE

Oh, that's all right. Tubby's a dear, in spite of his funny old ideas. I like him very much.

HE

(gulping the pill) Yes....

SHE

He's so anxious to please me in buying this house. I suppose it's all right to have a house, but I'd like to become acquainted with it gradually. I'd like to feel that there was always some corner left to explore—some mystery saved up for a rainy day. Tubby can't understand that. He drags me everywhere, explaining how we'll keep this and change that—dormer windows here and perhaps a new wing there.... I suppose you've been rebuilding the house, too?

HE

No. Merely decided to turn that sunny south room into a study. It would make a very pleasant place to work. But if you really want the place, I'd hate to take it away from you.

SHE

I was just going to say that if you really wanted it, I'd withdraw. It was Tubby's idea to buy it, you know—not mine. You do want it, don't you?

HE

I can't say that I do. It's so infernally big. But Maria thinks I ought to have it. (Explanatorily) Maria is—

SHE   (gently)

She's—the one who is interested in furnaces, I understand. I saw her with you at the real-estate office yesterday. Well—furnaces are necessary, I suppose. (There is a pause, which she breaks suddenly) Do you see that bee?

HE

A bee? (He follows her gaze up to a cluster of blossoms.)

SHE

Yes—there! (Affectionately) The rascal! There he goes. (Their eyes follow the flight of the bee across the orchard. There is a silence, in which Maria and Tubby drift into the limbo of forgotten things. Alone together beneath the blossoms, a spell seems to have fallen upon them. She tries to think of something to say—and at last succeeds.)

SHE

Have you heard the story of the people who used to live here?

HE

No; why?

SHE

An agent was telling us. It's quite romantic—and rather sad. You see, the man that built this house was in love with a girl. He was building it for her—as a surprise. But he had neglected to mention to her that he was in love with her. And so, in pique, she married another man, though she was really in love with him. The news came just when he had finished the house. He shut it up for a year or two, but eventually married someone else, and they lived here for ten years—most unhappily. Then they went abroad, and the house was sold. It was bought, curiously enough, by the husband of the girl he had been in love with. They lived here till they died—hating each other to the end, the agent says.

HE

It gives me the shivers. To think of that house, haunted by the memories of wasted love! Which of us, I wonder, will have to live in it? I don't want to.

SHE   (prosaically)

Oh, don't take it so seriously as all that. If one can't live in a house where there's been an unhappy marriage, why, good heavens, where is one going to live? Most marriages, I fancy, are unhappy.

HE

A bitter philosophy for one so—

SHE

Nonsense! But listen to the rest of the story. The most interesting part is about this very orchard.

HE

Really!

SHE

Yes. This orchard, it seems, was here before the house was. It was part of an old farm where he and she—the unhappy lovers, you know—stopped one day, while they were out driving, and asked for something to eat. The farmer's wife was busy, but she gave them each a glass of milk, and told them they could eat all the cherries they wanted. So they picked a hatful of cherries, and ate them, sitting on a bench like this one. And then he fell in love with her....

HE

And ... didn't tell her so.... (She glances at him in alarm. His self-possession has vanished. He is pale and frightened, but there is a desperate look in his eyes, as if some unknown power were forcing him to do something very rash. In short, he seems like a young man who has just fallen in love.)

SHE   (hastily)

So you see this orchard is haunted, too!

HE

I feel it. I seem to hear the ghost of that old-time lover whispering to me....

SHE   (provocatively)

Indeed! What does he say?

HE

He says: "I was a coward; you must be bold. I was silent; you must speak out."

SHE   (mischievously)

That's very curious—because that old lover isn't dead at all. He's a baronet or something in England.

HE   (earnestly)

His youth is dead; and it is his youth that speaks to me.

SHE   (quickly)

You mustn't believe all that ghosts tell you.

HE

Oh, but I must. For they know the folly of silence—the bitterness of cowardice.

SHE

The circumstances were—slightly—different, weren't they?

HE   (stubbornly)

I don't care!

SHE   (soberly)

You know perfectly well it's no use.

HE

I can't help that!

SHE

Please! You simply mustn't! It's disgraceful!

HE

What's disgraceful?

SHE   (confused)

What you are going to say.

HE   (simply)

Only that I love you. What is there disgraceful about that? It's beautiful!

SHE

It's wrong.

HE

It's inevitable.

SHE

Why inevitable? Can't you talk with a girl in a cherry orchard for half an hour without falling in love with her?

HE

Not if the girl is you.

SHE

But why especially me?

HE

I don't know. Love—is a mystery. I only know that I was destined to love you.

SHE

How can you be so sure?

HE

Because you have changed the world for me. It's as though I had been groping about in the dark, and then—sunrise! And there's a queer feeling here. (He puts his hand on his heart) To tell the honest truth, there's a still queerer feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's a gone feeling, if you must know. And my knees are weak. I know now why men used to fall on their knees when they told a girl they loved her; it was because they couldn't stand up. And there's a feeling in my feet as though I were walking on air. And—

SHE   (faintly)

That's enough!

HE

And I could die for you and be glad of the chance. It's perfectly absurd, but it's absolutely true. I've never spoken to you before, and heaven knows I may never get a chance to speak to you again, but I'd never forgive myself if I didn't say this to you now. I love you! love you! love you! Now tell me I'm a fool. Tell me to go. Anything—I've said my say.... Why don't you speak?

SHE

I—I've nothing to say—except—except that I—well—(almost inaudibly) I feel some of those symptoms myself.

HE   (triumphantly)

You love me!

SHE

I—don't know. Yes. Perhaps.

HE

Then kiss me!

SHE   (doubtfully)

No....

HE

Kiss me!

SHE   (tormentedly)

Oh, what's the use?

HE

I don't know. I don't care. I only know that we love each other.

SHE

(after a moment's hesitation, desperately) I don't care, either! I do want to kiss you. (She does.... He is the first to awake from the ecstasy.)

HE

It is wicked—

SHE   (absently)

Is it?

HE

But, oh heaven! kiss me again! (She does.)

SHE

Darling!

HE

Do you suppose anyone is likely to come this way?

SHE

No.

HE   (speculatively)

Your husband is probably still in the portrait gallery....

SHE

My husband! (Drawing away) What do you mean? (Thoroughly awake now) You didn't think—? (She jumps up and laughs convulsively) He thought poor old Tubby was my husband!!

HE

(staring up at her bewildered) Why, isn't he your husband?

SHE   (scornfully)

No!! He's my uncle!

HE

Your unc—

SHE

Yes, of course! (Indignantly) Do you suppose I would be married to a man that's fat and bald and forty years old?

HE   (distressed)

I—I beg your pardon. I did think so.

SHE

Just because you saw me with him? How ridiculous!

HE

It was a silly mistake. But—the things you said! You spoke so—realistically—about marriage.

SHE

It was your marriage I was speaking about. (With hasty compunction) Oh, I beg your—

HE

My marriage! (He rises) Good heavens! And to whom, pray, did you think I was married? (A light dawning) To Maria? Why, Maria is my aunt!

SHE

Yes—of course. How stupid of me.

HE

Let's get this straight. Are you married to anybody?

SHE

Certainly not. As if I would let anybody make love to me if I were!

HE

Now don't put on airs. You did something quite as improper. You kissed a married man.

SHE

I didn't.

HE

It's the same thing. You thought I was married.

SHE

But you aren't.

HE

No. I'm not married. And—and—you're not married. (The logic of the situation striking him all of a sudden) In fact—! (He pauses, rather alarmed.)

SHE

Yes?

HE

In fact—well—there's no reason in the world why we shouldn't make love to each other!

SHE

(equally startled) Why—that's so!

HE

Then—then—shall we?

SHE

(sitting down and looking demurely at her toes) Oh, not if you don't want to!

HE

(adjusting himself to the situation) Well—under the circumstances—I suppose I ought to begin by asking you to marry me....

SHE

(languidly, with a provoking glance) You don't seem very anxious to.

HE

(feeling at a disadvantage) It isn't that—but—well—

SHE   (lightly)

Well what?

HE

Dash it all, I don't know your name!

SHE

(looking at him with wild curiosity) That didn't seem to stop you a while ago....

HE   (doggedly)

Well, then—will you marry me?

SHE   (promptly)

No.

HE   (surprised)

No! Why do you say that?

SHE   (coolly)

Why should I marry you? I know nothing about you. I've known you for less than an hour.

HE   (sardonically)

That fact didn't seem to keep you from kissing me.

SHE

Besides—I don't like the way you go about it. If you'd propose the same way you made love to me, maybe I'd accept you.

HE

All right. (Dropping on one knee before her) Beloved! (An awkward pause) No, I can't do it. (He gets up and distractedly dusts off his knees with his handkerchief) I'm very sorry.

SHE

(with calm inquiry) Perhaps it's because you don't love me any more?

HE   (fretfully)

Of course I love you!

SHE   (coldly)

But you don't want to marry me.... I see.

HE

Not at all! I do want to marry you. But—

SHE

Well?

HE

Marriage is a serious matter. Now don't take offense! I only meant that—well—(He starts again) We are in love with each other, and that's the important thing. But, as you said, we don't know each other. I've no doubt that when we get acquainted we will like each other better still. But we've got to get acquainted first.

SHE   (rising)

You're just like Tubby buying a house. You want to know all about it. Well! I warn you that you'll never know all about me. So you needn't try.

HE   (apologetically)

It was your suggestion.

SHE   (impatiently)

Oh, all right! Go ahead and cross-examine me if you like. I'll tell you to begin with that I'm perfectly healthy, and that there's no T. B., insanity, or Socialism in my family. What else do you want to know?

HE   (hesitantly)

Why did you put Socialism in?

SHE

Oh, just for fun. You aren't a Socialist, are you?

HE

Yes. (Earnestly) Do you know what Socialism is?

SHE   (innocently)

It's the same thing as Anarchy, isn't it?

HE   (gently)

No. At least not my kind. I believe in municipal ownership of street cars, and all that sort of thing. I'll give you some books to read.

SHE

Well, I never ride in street cars, so I don't care whether they're municipally owned or not. By the way, do you dance?

HE

No.

SHE

You must learn right away. I can't bother to teach you myself, but I know where you can get private lessons and become really good in a month. It is stupid not to be able to dance.

HE

(as if he had tasted quinine) I can see myself doing the tango! Grr!

SHE

The tango went out long ago, my dear.

HE

(with great decision) Well—I won't learn to dance. You might as well know that to begin with.

SHE

And I won't read your old books on Socialism. You might as well know that to begin with!

HE

Come, come! This will never do. You see, my dear, it's simply that I can't dance, and there's no use for me to try to learn.

SHE

Anybody can learn. I've made expert dancers out of the awkwardest men!

HE

But, you see, I've no inclination toward dancing. It's out of my world.

SHE

And I've no inclination toward municipal ownership. It's out of my world!

HE

It ought not to be out of the world of any intelligent person.

SHE

(turning her back on him) All right—if you want to call me stupid!

HE

(turning and looking away meditatively) It appears that we have very few tastes in common.

SHE

(tapping her foot) So it seems.

HE

If we married we might be happy for a month—

SHE

Perhaps. (They remain standing with their backs to each other.)

HE

And then—the old story. Quarrels....

SHE

I never could bear quarrels....

HE

An unhappy marriage....

SHE

(realizing it) Oh!

HE

(hopelessly turning toward her) I can't marry you.

SHE

(recovering quickly and facing him with a smile) Nobody asked you, sir, she said!

HE

(with a gesture of finality) Well—there seems to be no more to say.

SHE   (sweetly)

Except good-bye.

HE   (firmly)

Good-bye, then. (He holds out his hand.)

SHE

(taking it) Good-bye!

HE

(taking her other hand—after a pause, helplessly) Good-bye!

SHE

(drawing in his eyes) Good-bye! (They cling to each other, and are presently lost in a passionate embrace. He breaks loose and stamps away, then turns to her.)

HE

Damn it all, we do love each other!

SHE

(wiping her eyes) What a pity that is the only taste we have in common!

HE

Do you suppose that is enough?

SHE

I wish it were!

HE

A month of happiness—

SHE

Yes!

HE

And then—wretchedness.

SHE

No—never!

HE

We mustn't do it.

SHE

I suppose not.

HE

Come, let us control ourselves.

SHE

Yes, let's. (They take hands again.)

HE

(with an effort) I wish you happiness. I—I'll go to Europe for a year. Try to forget me.

SHE

I shall be married when you get back—perhaps.

HE

I hope it's somebody that's not bald and fat and forty. Otherwise—!

SHE

And you—for goodness sake! marry a girl that's very young and very, very pretty. That will help.

HE

We mustn't prolong this. If we stay together another minute—

SHE

Then go!

HE

I can't go!

SHE

You must, darling! You must!

HE

Oh, if somebody would only come along! (They are leaning toward each other, dizzy upon the brink of another kiss, when somebody does come—a short, mild-looking man in a Derby hat. There is an odd gleam in his eyes).

THE INTRUDER   (startled)

Excuse me! (They turn and stare at him, but their hands cling fast to each other.)

SHE   (faintly)

The Agent!

THE AGENT

(in despairing accents) Too late! Too late!

THE YOUNG MAN

No! Just in time!

THE AGENT

Too late, I say! I will go. (He turns.)

THE YOUNG MAN

No! Stay!

THE AGENT

What's the use? It has already begun. What good can I do now?

THE YOUNG MAN

I'll show you what good you can do now. Come here! (The Agent approaches) Can you unloose my hands from those of this young woman?

THE YOUNG WOMAN

(haughtily releasing herself and walking away) You needn't trouble! I can do it myself.

THE YOUNG MAN

Thank you. It was utterly beyond my power. (To the Agent) Will you kindly take hold of me and move me over there? (The Agent propels him away from the girl) Thank you. At this distance I can perhaps make my farewell in a seemly and innocuous manner.

THE AGENT

Young man, you will not say farewell to that young lady for ten days—and perhaps never!

THE YOUNG WOMAN

What!

THE AGENT

They have arranged it all.

THE YOUNG MAN

Who has arranged what?

THE AGENT

Your aunt, Miss Brooke—and (to the young woman) your uncle, Mr. Egerton—(The young people turn and stare at each other in amazement.)

THE YOUNG MAN

Egerton! Are you Helen Egerton?

HELEN

And are you George Brooke?

THE AGENT

Your aunt and uncle have just discovered each other up at the house, and they have arranged for you all to take dinner together to-night, and then go to a ten-day house-party at Mr. Egerton's place on Long Island. (Grimly) The reason of all this will be plain to you. They want you two to get married.

GEORGE

Then we're done for! We'll have to get married now whether we want to or not!

HELEN

What! Just to please them? I shan't do it!

GEORGE   (gloomily)

You don't know my Aunt Maria.

HELEN

And Tubby will try to bully me, I suppose. But I won't do it—no matter what he says!

THE AGENT

Pardon what may seem an impertinence, Miss; but is it really true that you don't want to marry this young man?

HELEN   (flaming)

I suppose because you saw me in his arms—! Oh, I want to, all right, but—

THE AGENT   (mildly)

Then what seems to be the trouble?

HELEN

I—oh, you explain to him, George. (She goes to the bench and, sits down.)

GEORGE

Well, it's this way. As you may have deduced from what you saw, we are madly in love with each other—

HELEN

(from the bench) But I'm not madly in love with municipal ownership. That's the chief difficulty.

GEORGE

No, the chief difficulty is that I refuse to entertain even a platonic affection for the tango.

HELEN   (irritably)

I told you the tango had gone out long ago!

GEORGE

Well, then, the maxixe.

HELEN

Stupid!

GEORGE

And there you have it! No doubt it seems ridiculous to you.

THE AGENT   (gravely)

Not at all, my boy. I've known marriage to go to smash on far less than that. When you come to think of it, a taste for dancing and a taste for municipal ownership stand at the two ends of the earth away from each other. They represent two different ways of taking life. And if two people who live in the same house can't agree on those two things, they'd disagree on ten thousand things that came up every day. And what's the use for two different kinds of beings to try to live together? It doesn't work, no matter how much love there is between them.

GEORGE

(rushing up to him in surprise and gratification, and shaking his hand warmly) Then you're our friend. You will help us not to get married!

THE AGENT

Your aunt is very set on it—and your uncle, too, Miss!

HELEN

We must find some way to get out of it, or they'll have us cooped up together in that house before we know it. (Rising and coming over to the Agent) Can't you think up some scheme?

THE AGENT

Perhaps I can, and perhaps I can't. I'm a bachelor myself, Miss, and that means that I've thought up many a scheme to get out of marriage myself.

HELEN   (outraged)

You old scoundrel!

THE AGENT

Oh, it's not so bad as you may think, Miss. I've always gone through the marriage ceremony to please them. But that's not what I call marriage.

GEORGE

Then what do you call marriage?

HELEN

Yes, I'd like to know!

THE AGENT

Marriage, my young friends, is an iniquitous arrangement devised by the Devil himself for driving all the love out of the hearts of lovers. They start out as much in love with each other as you two are to-day, and they end by being as sick of the sight of each other as you two will be twenty years hence if I don't find a way of saving you alive out of the Devil's own trap. It's not lack of love that's the trouble with marriage—it's marriage itself. And when I say marriage, I don't mean promising to love, honor, and obey, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health till death do you part—that's only human nature to wish and to attempt. And it might be done if it weren't for the iniquitous arrangement of marriage.

GEORGE   (puzzled)

But what is the iniquitous arrangement?

THE AGENT

Ah, that's the trouble! If I tell you, you won't believe me. You'll go ahead and try it out, and find out what all the unhappy ones have found out before you. Listen to me, my children. Did you ever go on a picnic? (He looks from one to the other—they stand astonished and silent) Of course you have. Everyone has. There is an instinct in us which makes us go back to the ways of our savage ancestors—to gather about a fire in the forest, to cook meat on a pointed stick, and eat it with our fingers. But how many books would you write, young man, if you had to go back to the camp-fire every day for your lunch? And how many new dances would you invent if you lived eternally in the picnic stage of civilization? No! the picnic is incompatible with everyday living. As incompatible as marriage.

GEORGE

But—

HELEN

But—

THE AGENT

Marriage is the nest-building instinct, turned by the Devil himself into an institution to hold the human soul in chains. The whole story of marriage is told in the old riddle: "Why do birds in their nests agree? Because if they don't, they'll fall out." That's it. Marriage is a nest so small that there is no room in it for disagreement. Now it may be all right for birds to agree, but human beings are not built that way. They disagree, and home becomes a little hell. Or else they do agree, at the expense of the soul's freedom stifled in one or both.

HELEN

Yes, but tell me—

GEORGE

Ssh!

THE AGENT

Yet there is the nest-building instinct. You feel it, both of you. If you don't now, you will as soon as you are married. If you are fools, you will try to live all your lives in a love-nest; and you will imprison your souls within it, and the Devil will laugh.

HELEN

(to George) I am beginning to be afraid of him.

GEORGE

So am I.

THE AGENT

If you are wise, you will build yourselves a little nest secretly in the woods, away from civilization, and you will run away together to that nest whenever you are in the mood. A nest so small that it will hold only two beings and one thought—the thought of love. And then you will come back refreshed to civilization, where every soul is different from every other soul—you will let each other alone, forget each other, and do your own work in peace. Do you understand?

HELEN

He means we should occupy separate sides of the house, I think. Or else that we should live apart and only see each other on week-ends. I'm not sure which.

THE AGENT   (passionately)

I mean that you should not stifle love with civilization, nor encumber civilization with love. What have they to do with each other? You think you want a fellow student of economics. You are wrong. You think you want a dancing partner. You are mistaken. You want a revelation of the glory of the universe.

HELEN

(to George, confidentially) It's blithering nonsense, of course. But it was something like that—a while ago.

GEORGE   (bewilderedly)

Yes; when we knew it was our first kiss and thought it was to be our last.

THE AGENT   (fiercely)

A kiss is always the first kiss and the last—or it is nothing.

HELEN   (conclusively)

He's quite mad.

GEORGE

Absolutely.

THE AGENT

Mad? Of course I am mad. But—(He turns suddenly, and subsides as a man in a guard's uniform enters.)

THE GUARD

Ah, here you are! Thought you'd given us the slip, did you? (To the others) Escaped from the Asylum, he did, a week ago, and got a job here. We've been huntin' him high and low. Come along now!

GEORGE

(recovering with difficulty the power of speech) What—what's the matter with him?

THE GUARD

Matter with him? He went crazy, he did, readin' the works of Bernard Shaw. And if he wasn't in the insane asylum he'd be in jail. He's a bigamist, he is. He married fourteen women. But none of 'em would go on the witness stand against him. Said he was an ideal husband, they did. Fourteen of 'em! But otherwise he's perfectly harmless. Come now!

THE AGENT   (pleasantly)

Perfectly harmless! Yes, perfectly harmless! (He is led out.)

HELEN

That explains it all!

GEORGE

Yes—and yet I feel there was something in what he was saying.

HELEN

Well—are we going to get married or not? We've got to decide that before we face my uncle and your aunt.

GEORGE

Of course we'll get married. You have your work and I mine, and—

HELEN

Well, if we do, then you can't have that sunny south room for a study. I want it for the nursery.

GEORGE

The nursery!

HELEN

Yes; babies, you know!

GEORGE

Good heavens!

[CURTAIN]

MORE SHORT PLAYS

BY MARY MACMILLAN

Plays that act well may read well. Miss MacMillan's Plays are good reading. Nor is literary excellence a detriment to dramatic performance.

This volume contains eight Plays:

His Second Girl. One-act comedy, just before the Civil War. Interior, 45 minutes. Three women, three men.

At the Church Door. Fantastic farce, one act, 20 to 30 minutes. Interior. Present. Two women, two men.

Honey. Four short acts. Present, in the southern mountains. Same interior cabin scene throughout. Three women, one man, two girls.

The Dress Rehearsal of Hamlet. One-act costume farce. Present. Interior. Forty-five minutes. Ten women taking men's parts.

The Pioneers. Five very short acts. 1791 in Middle-West. Interior. Four men, five women, five children, five Indians.

In Mendelesia, Part I. Costume play, Middle Ages. Interior. Thirty minutes or more. Four women, one man-servant.

In Mendelesia, Part II. Modern realism of same plot. One act. Present. Interior. Thirty minutes. Four women, one maid-servant.

The Dryad. Fantasy in free verse, one act. Thirty minutes. Outdoors. Two women, one man. Present.

These plays, as well as SHORT PLAYS, have been presented by clubs and schools in Boston, New York, Buffalo, Detroit, Cleveland, New Orleans, San Francisco, etc., and by the Portmanteau Theatre, the Chicago Art Institute Theatre, the Denver Little Art Theatre, at Carmel-by-the-Sea in California, etc.

Handsomely bound and uniform with S. & K. Dramatic Series. 12mo. Cloth. Net, $2.50; 3/4 Turkey Morocco, Net, $8.50.

STEWART & KIDD COMPANY

Publishers Cincinnati, U. S. A.

Stewart Kidd Modern Plays

Edited by Frank Shay

To meet the immensely increased demands of the play-reading public and those interested in the modern drama, Stewart & Kidd Company are issuing under the general editorship of Frank Shay a series of plays from the pens of the world's best contemporary writers. No effort is being spared to secure the best work available, and the plays are issued in a form that is at once attractive to readers and suited to the needs of the performer and producer.

From time to time special announcements will be printed giving complete lists of the Plays. Those announced thus far are:

SHAM, a Social Satire in One Act.

By Frank G. Tompkins.

Originally produced by Sam Hume, at the Arts and Crafts Theatre, Detroit.

THE SHEPHERD IN THE DISTANCE,

a Pantomime in One Act. By Holland Hudson.

Originally produced by the Washington Square Players.

MANSIONS, a Play in One Act.

By Hildegarde Flanner.

Originally produced by the Indiana Little Theatre Society.

HEARTS TO MEND, a Fantasy in One Act.

By H. A. Overstreet.

Originally produced by the Fireside Players, White Plains, N. Y.

Others to follow.

Bound in Art Paper. Each net 50 cents.

Transcriber's Note:

Obvious punctuation errors and misprints have been corrected.

*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ***

Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed.

Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution.

START: FULL LICENSE

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK

To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license.

Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.

1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below.

1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when you share it without charge with others.

1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country other than the United States.

1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:

1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed:

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.

1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™.

1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg™ License.

1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.

1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works provided that:

• You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.”

• You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ works.

• You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work.

• You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works.

1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.

1.F.

1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.

1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE.

1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem.

1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.

1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.

1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any Defect you cause.

Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™

Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life.

Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org.

Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws.

The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact

Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS.

The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate.

While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate.

International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.

Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate

Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.

Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.

Most people start at our website which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org.

This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.

Table of Contents

The Project Gutenberg eBook of Sweet and Twenty, by Floyd Dell

E-text prepared by MFR, Nahum Maso i Carcases, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made available by Internet Archive (https://archive.org)

Sweet and Twenty A COMEDY IN ONE ACT

Sweet and Twenty

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE