Project Gutenberg's Thrills of a Bell Boy, by Samuel Ellsworth Kiser

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most

other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions

whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of

the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at

www.gutenberg.org.  If you are not located in the United States, you'll have

to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.

Title: Thrills of a Bell Boy

Author: Samuel Ellsworth Kiser

Illustrator: John Tinney McCutcheon

Release Date: March 18, 2018 [EBook #56783]

Language: English

Character set encoding: UTF-8

*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THRILLS OF A BELL BOY ***

Produced by ellinora,, Barry Abrahamsen, and the Online

Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This

file was produced from images generously made available

by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)

THRILLS OF A BELL BOY

THRILLS OF A

BELL BOY

By

Samuel Ellsworth Kiser

Author of “Love Sonnets of an Office Boy,”

“Ballads of the Busy Days,” etc.

Illustrated by

John T. McCutcheon

Chicago

Forbes & Company

1906

Copyright, 1904

BY THE SATURDAY EVENING POST

Copyright, 1906

BY FORBES & COMPANY

Colonial Press: Electrotyped and Printed

by C. H. Simonds & Co., Boston, U. S. A.

THRILLS OF A

BELL BOY

I.

GEE! There’s a call from seven-forty-eight—

That’s Miss Le Claire; she wants some ice, I’ll bet;

She stars in “Mrs. Middleton’s Regret.”

And when you mention peaches—say, she’s great!

If I could marry her I guess I’d hate

To have to do it—nit! I’d go and get

A plug hat and a fur-trimmed coat and let

The guy that’s managin’ her, pay the freight.

They say she gets a hundred dollars per;

I’d like to draw that much a year or two.

They’d know I’d been around when I got through.

I wish the dude that comes here after her

Was in my place and me in his—I’d stir

Things up around this town. I wouldn’t do

A thing but buy her everything I knew

She didn’t have but might be wishin’ fer.

She rung fer me to get some stamps, and when

I took them up she says, “Just wait a bit.”

She put one on a note and handed it

To me to mail—and he come in just then

And grabbed the thing—I’ve heard of crazy men,

And I know when it’s up to me to quit:

She had him goin’ groggy when I lit,

But, blame the luck, they’ve made it up again.

II.

IF I could have my choice I wouldn’t be

The main guy of a kingdom—nix fer me.

I’d only wish that I could be as great

As one of these gay boys from up the State

Imagines that we think he is when he

Tilts back his hat and lights his cigarette

And does the pouter-pigeon act; I’d let

Them have their thrones if I could be as grand

As these boys think they are when they “run down”

On business trips and let their chests expand

And act as though they’d come to buy the town.

The minute one of them gets in he shies

Around the telegraph girl, makin’ eyes

And wantin’ to know what it costs to send

Ten words to Saugatuck or Brady’s Bend,

Or dictates to the shorthand girl and tries

To make her think he’s Mike from Up-the-Crick—

It’s easy work to spot these Johnnies quick:

They try to mash the chambermaids up-stairs,

And buzz the news-stand lady, and I s’pose

They think that we all think they’re millionaires—

Hello! There that sweet little actress goes.

III.

I WENT to see the show last night, the one

She’s playing in, you know, but all the fun

I thought I’d have was spoiled, confound the luck,

I bought a forty-cent bouquet to chuck

Down at her when the second act was done.

I got a seat in front, all right, and, oh!

How grand she looked away down there below!

I thought of angels every time she’d look

Up at the gallery—but when I let

My flowers tumble down the villain took

And give them to the putty-faced soubrette!

I wish I was the hero of the play

She’s actin’ in and had the chance to lay

Her head agin my buzzom every night

And knock the villain down and hold her tight—

I wouldn’t ask to have a cent of pay.

And when she’d look up at me sweet and proud

I’d feel so glad I’d have to yell out loud:

I’ll bet the knock I give the villain when

I come to rescue her would make him grunt.

And when she wound her arms around me, then—

Oh, blame it, there’s Old Morton howlin’ “Front!”

IV.

I DON’T feel like I used to feel no more;

It seems as though I’d like to go away

From where the racket’s goin’ on all day,

And have her with me there, and she’d be sore

At that rich dude who meets her at the door

Back by the stage when she’s got through the play:

I wish that she’d get sweet on me and say

She never knew what lovin’ was before.

I’ve got a tooth-brush now, and every night

I wash my neck and ears: I don’t intend

To chew tobacco any more, nor spend

My change fer cigarettes; her teeth are white,

And if she seen that mine were, too, she might

Be liable to love me. Every time

She looks at me it kind of seems that I’m

All full of something tickel-ish and light.

I’d like it if I knew some way to make

My ears stay closer to my head and not

Stick out the way they do, as though they’d got

Unfastened and hung loose. I wish I’d wake

To-morrow so good-lookin’ it would break

Her heart unless I’d take her on the spot;

And I could lick that dude if he got hot

And made rough house when she’d give him the shake.

If I could go away with her to where

There wasn’t anybody else at all,

And we could set around all day or loll

Beside the cricks and never have to care

When bells would ring, and all around us there

The posies would be growin’ sweet and tall,

I’d never mind if it was spring or fall—

But still I s’pose she couldn’t live on air.

V.

I THINK I’ll chuck this job and go and try

To be a supe with her, and by and by

Get speakin’ parts to play, and then—who knows?—

Be leadin’ man, at last, and wear dude clo’s.

I’d drink champagne whenever I was dry,

And have a chance to travel up and down

Around the country, seein’ every town,

And after every act they’d call fer me;

All week I’d only work two afternoons,

And nearly everywhere I went I’d see

My picture in the windows of saloons.

I’d have a stage name that was grand to hear—

I think I’d make it Reginald De Vere—

Gee! Wouldn’t that loom up great on the bills?

They’d never know they cheered fer Eddie Mills

When I would get the signal to appear.

I’d give her all the beautiful bouquets

The girls would send to me at matinées,

And when the show was over crowds would stand

Outside to watch fer me and her and stare

When we come out, and I would take her hand

And lead her to our carriage, waitin’ there.

VI.

I WENT up-stairs, this morning, when she rung—

I guess she must of just got out of bed—

It seemed to me her nose looked kind of red;

They was a little wad of hair that hung

Down in a pigtail on her back; she brung

A telegram out to the door, and said:

“Well, get a move—good Heavens, are you dead?”

Somehow she didn’t seem to look so young.

I can’t help kind of wonderin’ to-day

What made her look so queer; it seems as though

There’s something that is gone. I’d like to know

If all the ones that’s beautiful when they

Get on their riggin’ and are fixed up gay

Ain’t much but framework when they’ve gone at night

And safely locked themselves in out of sight

And laid what ain’t growed on to them away.

When me and Mike, the porter, were alone

I got to tellin’ him about my thoughts—

Mike’s had two wives, and so, of course, knows lots.

He told me in a kind of sollum tone:

“Me boy, a woman cr-rathure’s like a shtone—

At laste some women ar-re—Whin dr-ressed they’re foine,

But whin they ain’t ye’ll ha-ardly see a soign

Av beauty that ye’d ta-ake to be their own.”

VII.

IT’S all off now. She’s gone out West somewhere—

The papers say to South Dakota—there

She’s got things fixed to get divorced, they claim.

It seems that Mrs. Pickleham’s her name

In private life, instead of Miss Le Claire.

Her father runs a dray in Buffalo,

That’s what the papers say: I s’pose they know.

I wonder why it always has to be

That everything you think is great before

You know about it, when you get to see

Just how it is don’t seem so grand no more?

I wish I had the forty cents I blew

To get the bunch of posies what I threw

At her that night. I had to gasp almost

Whenever she’d look up. Gee! What a roast

The boys would give me fer it if they knew.

But still there ain’t no use of feelin’ bad;

I got my money’s worth, fer I was glad,

And every minute that you’re feelin’ gay

About a thing that never can come true

Is something that’ll not get took away;

It’s in your system and belongs to you.

VIII.

THEY’VE give us a new operator here

To take the telegrams; she’s pretty near

A daisy, too. Her eyes are big and brown;

And when she sets there kind of lookin’ down,

As though she didn’t notice things, it’s queer

The way I get to wishin’ I could go

And save her from the clutches of some foe.

She makes me feel as though I’d like to be

A handsome man, about six foot, and strong,

To take her in my arms and let her see

That I was here protectin’ her from wrong.

The other day I talked to her a while:

It seemed as though whenever she would smile

I’d have a goneish feelin’ in my breast.

She’d be a peach, no matter how she dressed,

She’s got the other girls here beat a mile.

The red that’s on her cheeks ain’t painted there,

And she ain’t wearin’ no dead woman’s hair:

I don’t blame homely women if they try

To make themselves look fine, fer good looks pay—

But hers is not the kind that they can buy—

The beauty that she’s got grew there to stay.

IX.

ONCE, when her instrument was workin’ bad

She jerked the thing and hit it with her fist

And nearly broke her round, soft little wrist—

I never s’posed that she could get so mad.

When I told ma it seemed to make her glad.

She says a girl that looks as nice as pie

Sometimes has awful thoughts: I wonder why

Ma’s always knockin’ so? It makes me sad.

X.

SOME people make me sick. They act as though

They’d leased this hemisphere. See that boy there,

The way he tilts his head up in the air

And struts around so everybody’ll know

He’s cut his second teeth. Now watch him go

And ask about the telegrams. I’ll bet

Nobody ever telegraphed him yet,

Or if they did it’s comin’ mighty slow.

When she was operatin’ yesterday

He leaned against the railin’, lookin’ wise

And spoilin’ blanks and makin’ goo-goo eyes.

I wish he’d pay his bill and go away,

Or that she’d slap his face for gettin’ gay.

When fellows hang around a girl to buzz

Her hours at a time the way he does

I wonder how they think of things to say?

Mike says he never seen a woman yet

That hated men fer showin’ them they’d like

To take them in their lovin’ arms and hike

Away to where nobody else could get.

Mike says it doesn’t seem to make them fret

When men get gone on them—I guess I’ll strike

Out bold, because it must be so, fer Mike

He’s had two wives, and knows a lot, you bet.

There goes that dude again, confound the luck!

I wish he’d get a telegram that said

Some chap was comin’ here to punch his head,

And he’d fergit how sweet she was, and duck:

Mike says that when a fellow shows he’s struck

A woman hardly ever raises Ned

Or seems to get to wishin’ she was dead—

Gee whiz! he’s went and give her chin a chuck.

XI.

THE Johnny’s went away that got so brash;

I let his blamed old satchel fall and smash

When him and me was goin’ out the door;

His razor and his brush rolled on the floor,

Mixed with his nightshirt and some other trash.

He’d just smiled back at her and raised his lid;

I’d hate to get let down the way he did:

She laughed, and all the rest let out a whoop—

I never seen a guy so mad before;

He got his things together with a swoop—

I guess he’ll never be our guest no more.

I s’pose I lost a tip, but I don’t care,

I’d rather have the chance fer gettin’ square;

What good is havin’ money, anyway,

If havin’ it don’t keep you feelin’ gay

Nor make you push your chest out in the air?

I snuck away, out by the barber shop,

And laughed so hard I couldn’t seem to stop:

Mike says that every laugh you ever laugh

Is something that you’re richer fer, and so

I gained about eight dollars and a half—

They called me down and nearly bounced me, though.

XII.

IF I would get to be a millionaire

And didn’t have to work or anything,

I’d go and buy a dimun’ stud and ring

And open up a swell hotel somewhere

And be head clerk myself, and have my hair

All curled and fixed like Morton’s is, and fling

On agony as though I’d be a king

And had a throne behind the counter there.

The guy that owns this joint ain’t got no style:

He wears his whiskers down around his neck:

I’ll bet that I’d have shiners by the peck

If I was in his place and had his pile.

When guests come in he don’t put on a smile

And get to lookin’ chesty and say “Front”

As though he owned the earth: he leaves that stunt

Fer Morton, who can beat him out a mile.

XIII.

I WISH somebody’d kick me through a fence;

I must be gettin’ dotty; I’m so dense

I couldn’t see half through an iron gate;

Why, any one could string me while you wait;

No wonder Morton says I’m shy of sense.

A man arrived here yesterday forenoon

Who seemed to be a fighter, and as soon

As ever I had spotted him I flew

And grabbed his satchel and got useful. Say,

His clo’s were great, he had on dimun’s, too—

I picked him fer a winner right away.

It wasn’t tips I thought of, understand:

I hoped that mebby I could touch his hand;

I brought him pens and ink and things and stood

Around to be as useful as I could

And let him see I thought that he was grand.

I’d like to bump my head against a wall,

Because he ain’t a pugilist at all.

I’ll bet he never even seen a ring;

He’s just an author that is writin’ books:

That shows that you can never tell a thing

About how great a man is by his looks.

XIV.

I WISH some day there’d be a lawyer come

And say I’d got a fortune left by some

Rich relative I didn’t know I had;

The ones that’s kiddin’ now would soon be sad,

You’d see old Morton lookin’ pretty glum.

I’d buy this place and fire him so quick

The tumble that he got would make him sick;

And then I’d get the bridal-chamber key,

And take the little operator there,

And ask her how she’d like to marry me

And let some other girl hold down her chair.

I wish my hair would get to turnin’ gray,

And ma would suddenly find out some day

That I was ten years older than she thunk,

And I would grow six inches while you wunk.

But what’s the use of wishin’, anyway?

Mike says nobody ever caught a fish

By simply settin’ down somewhere to wish;

He claims if all our wishes would come true

We’d none of us be happy any more,

Fer every day we’d all be feelin’ blue

Because we wished fool things the day before.

XV.

THE news-stand lady’s got a steady beau;

He comes each night at six o’clock or so,

And when they leave he takes her by the arm,

As though he thought she might get into harm,

Or slip on something smooth, or stub her toe.

Mike says he’d let his mother get along

Without an arm to hang to that was strong,

And never seem to think she might get hurt

By bein’ bumped, and never fret at all

If she would put her foot down in the dirt,

And never be afraid that she would fall.

I wonder why a fellow’s mother tries

To make you think that every man that’s wise

Steers clear of all the girls? I wonder why

A fellow’s mother thinks they’re mean and sly

And hardly fit to look you in the eyes?

Ma thinks the operator here has planned

To hook the first poor chap that she can land;

And one night, when I got to tellin’ ma

How sweet she was—I mean the operator—

The more I tried to praise her up I saw

The more it kind of seemed to make ma hate ’er.

Ma says they’re all a schemin’ lot, who fix

Themselves up nice to fool the Toms and Dicks

And Harrys that don’t know enough to run:

You’d think, to hear her talk, that all they done

Was try to catch the boys by foxy tricks.

I don’t see why ma runs them down that way;

She used to be a girl herself, one day.

Mike says that when a woman’s married, though,

She never wants the rest that ain’t been took

To ever stand a chance or have a show

To ever get a nibble at the hook.

XVI.

THE other day we had excitement here;

The news-stand caught afire, and I thought

I’d be heroic Johnny-on-the-spot;

I grabbed the operator, yellin’: “Dear,

I’m here to save your life, so never fear.”

But just about that time I felt a swat,

And there was lots of things that I fergot

While Morton dragged me with him by the ear.

They’d doused the blaze before it got a start,

And I’d fergot our fire-drill, you see,

That’s what made Morton come and jump on me—

He nearly tore my head and ear apart—

That Alexander’s too dumnation smart.

They’re all a-kiddin’ me fer what I done,

And she looks on and seems to think it’s fun

Confound it! that’s What nearly breaks my heart.

XVII.

I’M sorry fer the poor old boy we’ve got

In seven-sixty-six; he’s nearly due

To ask St. Peter to please let him through.

His wife’s a beaut and young, and mebby what

She’s doin’ right along is hope he’ll not

Be yanked away and planted in the sod

With her left here to fasten to his wad—

If that’s your guess, though, take another shot.

She won’t allow him to get out of bed,

But once when I went up because she’d rung

The first thing that I knew he up and flung

The quilts and things across the room and said

She’d hid his shirt and pants—that’s on the dead—

And then, before she’d caught her breath, he sprung

Up like a wild man and got in among

Her trunks and looked up pitiful and pled.

“I want my pants,” he says, “I’ll die unless

You let me out to get some exercise.”

She shook her head and looked him in the eyes

And told me it was second childishness

And that he wasn’t strong enough to dress—

Then out he jumped and started fer the door,

With nothin’ but his nightshirt on, and swore

He’d run away—he meant it, too, I guess.

But he was old and slow and she was spry,

And when he started to get out she caught

A pitcherful of water up and got

Around in front of me and let it fly.

She turned and give a sorry little sigh

When he’d went back to bed, and said a lot

Of things about how sad she’d be and not

Know how to bear the shock if he would die.

When I get old and wrinkled up and gray

I want my wife to be as old as me:

Then she’ll not be ashamed if people see

Us out together, and they’ll never say

They wonder what she cost me, anyway.

I’d hate to think that every time when we

Went anywhere the men would wink and she

Had sad clo’s to jump into any day.

XVIII.

IT’S up to me to kick myself some more:

The daisy that is operatin’ here

Has been another fellow’s wife a year,

And he’s a clerk in some department store.

The happy thoughts I used to think before

Are busted up forever. I appear

To always land somewhere back in the rear—

The sound of telegraphin’ makes me sore.

I hope I’ll have a million bucks some day

And be the landlord here, and she will set

There, in the corner, telegraphin’ yet;

And when I pass she’ll look at me and say

All to herself she wished she knew some way

To not be married, and I’d stop and get

A blank sometimes, just so’s to make her fret

When she would count the dimun’s I’d display.

And mebby when I stood there near her, then,

And had broad shoulders, and was six feet high,

Her lips would tremble and she’d give a sigh

And nibble at her pencil or her pen,

And we would both be feelin’ sad, and when

She seen I loved her she’d begin to cry

Because she hadn’t waited, and then I—

Oh, rats! There’s Morton yellin’ “Front” agen.

XIX.

IF yesterday would come to-morrow

There wouldn’t hardly be no sorrow.

For then we’d have another try

At chances that we let go by.

Instead of givin’ luck the blame

We’d grab the good things when they came.

We’d take the best and leave the worst

If all the days came hind-end first.

The fools that stand and wonder now

Would know just when to act and how.

If yesterday would come agen

We’d not say “if” so often then.

We’d turn the merry face to sorrow

If yesterday would come to-morrow.

By S. E. KISER

Love Sonnets of an Office Boy

WITH TWELVE PICTURES BY JOHN T. MCCUTCHEON

❦

“A joy forever.”—New York Sun.

“Full of fun.”—Philadelphia Telegraph.

“Irresistibly funny.”—Minneapolis Times.

“All well done and exquisitely funny.”—The Journalist.

“Its fun is fairly side-splitting.”—Indianapolis Sentinel.

“If you have ever been a boy, read this book.”—Talent.

“Pure humor and actual tenderness.”—Louisville Courier-Journal.

“These sonnets will prove a source of delight to all people with a true sense of humor.”—Judge.

“There is in each and every one of these sonnets a screamingly funny office-boy-like turn of phrase.”—New York Mail and Express.

❦

Price, 50 cents.

❦

FORBES & COMPANY, PUBLISHERS

Box 664, CHICAGO

By S. E. KISER

Ballads of the Busy Days

ONE hundred poems representing the best work of this well-known poet. Many of them are humorous, some have a delicate vein of pathos that makes a sure appeal to the heart, and all possess that charming human quality which has made Mr. Kiser’s verses widely popular.

❦

“Mr. Kiser’s work is too well known to need praise. He is a popular favorite.”—Minneapolis Times.

“His many varieties of verse have made him a friend of every lover of poetry.”—Columbus Press.

“Mr. Kiser has that rare original wit that can turn the most commonplace things to laughable account.”—Dallas News.

“Few or none of the magazine poets excel Mr. Kiser in touching the chord of human sympathy.”—The Argonaut, San Francisco.

❦

Tastefully printed and bound in an artistic, decorated cover, 12mo, cloth, gilt top, 224 pages. Price, $1.25.

❦

FORBES & COMPANY, PUBLISHERS

Box 664, CHICAGO

Now in Thirtieth Thousand

BEN KING’S VERSE

If I Should Die To-Night

If I should die to-night

And you should come to my cold corpse and say,

Weeping and heartsick o’er my lifeless clay—

If I should die to-night

And you should come in deepest grief and woe

And say, “Here’s that ten dollars that I owe”—

I might arise in my large white cravat

And say, “What’s that?”

If I should die to-night

And you should come to my cold corpse and kneel,

Clasping my bier to show the grief you feel—

I say, if I should die to-night

And you should come to me, and there and then

Just even hint ’bout payin’ me that ten,

I might arise the while;

But I’d drop dead again.

(From “Ben King’s Verse”)

“‘Ben King’s Verse’ will be appreciated by all who enjoy good things.”—John Kendrick Bangs.

“Ben King’s verses may be recommended to those suffering from melancholy.”—The Chicago Daily News.

“Lovers of real poetry and of quaint, whimsical humor will treasure ‘Ben King’s Verse’ as a volume which can be read and re-read with pleasure, a companion for all moods and times.”—The Journalist (New York).

Beautifully made. 292 pages. Price, $1.25.

FORBES & COMPANY, PUBLISHERS

Box 664, CHICAGO

- Transcriber’ Notes:

- Missing or obscured punctuation was corrected.

- Unbalanced quotation marks were left as the author intended.

- Typographical errors were silently corrected.

- Inconsistent spelling and hyphenation were made consistent only when a predominant form was found in this book.

End of Project Gutenberg's Thrills of a Bell Boy, by Samuel Ellsworth Kiser

*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THRILLS OF A BELL BOY ***

***** This file should be named 56783-h.htm or 56783-h.zip *****

This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:

http://www.gutenberg.org/5/6/7/8/56783/

Produced by ellinora,, Barry Abrahamsen, and the Online

Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This

file was produced from images generously made available

by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)

Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will

be renamed.

Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright

law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works,

so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United

States without permission and without paying copyright

royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part

of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project

Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm

concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark,

and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, unless you receive

specific permission. If you do not charge anything for copies of this

eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may use this eBook

for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports,

performances and research. They may be modified and printed and given

away--you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks

not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the

trademark license, especially commercial redistribution.

START: FULL LICENSE

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK

To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free

distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work

(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project

Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full

Project Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at

www.gutenberg.org/license.

Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project

Gutenberg-tm electronic works

1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm

electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to

and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property

(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all

the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or

destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your

possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a

Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound

by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the

person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph

1.E.8.

1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be

used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who

agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few

things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works

even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See

paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project

Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this

agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm

electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below.

1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the

Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection

of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual

works in the collection are in the public domain in the United

States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the

United States and you are located in the United States, we do not

claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing,

displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as

all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope

that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting

free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm

works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the

Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily

comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the

same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when

you share it without charge with others.

1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern

what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are

in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States,

check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this

agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing,

distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any

other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no

representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any

country outside the United States.

1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:

1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other

immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear

prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work

on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the

phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed,

performed, viewed, copied or distributed:

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and

most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no

restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it

under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this

eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the

United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you

are located before using this ebook.

1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is

derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not

contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the

copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in

the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are

redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project

Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply

either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or

obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm

trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted

with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution

must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any

additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms

will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works

posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the

beginning of this work.

1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm

License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this

work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.

1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this

electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without

prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with

active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project

Gutenberg-tm License.

1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,

compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including

any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access

to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format

other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official

version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site

(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense

to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means

of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain

Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the

full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.

1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,

performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works

unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing

access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works

provided that

* You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from

the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method

you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed

to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has

agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project

Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid

within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are

legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty

payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project

Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in

Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg

Literary Archive Foundation."

* You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies

you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he

does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm

License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all

copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue

all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm

works.

* You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of

any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the

electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of

receipt of the work.

* You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free

distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.

1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project

Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than

are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing

from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and The

Project Gutenberg Trademark LLC, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm

trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.

1.F.

1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable

effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread

works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project

Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm

electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may

contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate

or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other

intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or

other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or

cannot be read by your equipment.

1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right

of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project

Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project

Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project

Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all

liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal

fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT

LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE

PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE

TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE

LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR

INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH

DAMAGE.

1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a

defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can

receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a

written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you

received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium

with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you

with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in

lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person

or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second

opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If

the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing

without further opportunities to fix the problem.

1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth

in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO

OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT

LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.

1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied

warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of

damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement

violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the

agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or

limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or

unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the

remaining provisions.

1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the

trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone

providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in

accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the

production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm

electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses,

including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of

the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this

or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or

additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any

Defect you cause.

Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm

Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of

electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of

computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It

exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations

from people in all walks of life.

Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the

assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's

goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will

remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project

Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure

and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future

generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary

Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see

Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at

www.gutenberg.org

Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit

501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the

state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal

Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification

number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary

Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by

U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.

The Foundation's principal office is in Fairbanks, Alaska, with the

mailing address: PO Box 750175, Fairbanks, AK 99775, but its

volunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous

locations. Its business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt

Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to

date contact information can be found at the Foundation's web site and

official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact

For additional contact information:

Dr. Gregory B. Newby

Chief Executive and Director

gbnewby@pglaf.org

Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg

Literary Archive Foundation

Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide

spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of

increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be

freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest

array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations

($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt

status with the IRS.

The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating

charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United

States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a

considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up

with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations

where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND

DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular

state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate

While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we

have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition

against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who

approach us with offers to donate.

International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make

any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from

outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.

Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation

methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other

ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To

donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate

Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works.

Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project

Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be

freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and

distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of

volunteer support.

Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed

editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in

the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not

necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper

edition.

Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search

facility: www.gutenberg.org

This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,

including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary

Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to

subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.

Table of Contents

THRILLS OF A BELL BOY

I.

II.

III.

IV.

V.

VI.

VII.

VIII.

IX.

X.

XI.

XII.

XIII.

XIV.

XV.

XVI.

XVII.

XVIII.

XIX.