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Title: The limerick up to date book

Author: Ethel Watts Mumford Grant

Illustrator: Ethel Watts Mumford Grant

Addison Mizner

Release date: April 1, 2026 [eBook #78335]

Language: English

Original publication: San Francisco: Paul Elder and Company, 1903

Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/78335

Credits: The Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive)

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIMERICK UP TO DATE BOOK ***

Please see the Transcriber’s Notes at the end of this text.

THE

LIMERICK

UP TO

DATE BOOK

THE

LIMERICK

UP TO

DATE BOOK

Composed and Collected by

Ethel Watts Mumford

Illustrated and Decorated by

Ethel Watts Mumford and

Addison Mizner

San Francisco

Published by Paul Elder and Company

1903

Copyright 1903

by PAUL ELDER

The Tomoyé Press

San Francisco

Good Resolutions.

Good Resolutions.

John woke on Jan. first and felt queer;

Said, “Crackers I’ll swear off this year!

For the lobster and wine

And the rabbit were fine,

And it certainly wasn’t the beer.”

January

Janvier    1

2

Januar    3

4

Enero    5

6

Gennaio    7

Beware of Rash Judgments.

Jan.

Beware of Rash Judgments.

A dame at the beaches of Florida,

All the ladies said couldn’t be horrider;

But she proved them all wrong,

And she said, “Go along!”

While the climate grew torrid and torrider.

January

Janvier    8

9

Januar    10

11

Enero    12

13

Gennaio    14

Ἰανουάριος    15

Flattery.

Flattery.

Said the lady, “With you I’ll not go,

You’re reported to be far from slow.”

Said he, turning red,

With a smile quite o’erspread—

“O Madame, don’t flatter me so!”

January

Janvier    16

17

Januar    18

19

Enero    20

21

Gennaio    22

Ἰανουάριος    23

Lavishness.

Jan.

Lavishness.

There was a young lady named Julie,

Who was terribly fond of patchouli;

She used bottles seven,

’Til she smelt up to heaven,

Which made all the angels unruly.

January

Janvier    24

25

Januar    26

27

Enero    28

29

Gennaio    30

Ἰανουάριος    31

The Wicked Punster.

The Wicked Punster.

Said a sporty young person named Groat,

Who owned an old race-horse of note,

“I consider it smart

To lunch a la cart,

But the horse always takes table d’oat.”

February

Février    1

2

Februar    3

4

Febrero    5

6

Febbraio    7

The Church-Goer.

Feb.

The Church-Goer.

There was a young man who said, “There,

I will sneak out during this prayer!”

But the squeak of his shoes

So enlivened the pews,

That he sat down again in despair.

February

Février    8

9

Februar    10

11

Febrero    12

13

Febbraio    14

Speak Kindly.

Speak Kindly.

She’s so homely you’d think she would smother,

And her back view is just like her brother.

Her eyes are both bent,

And her nose is a dent;

But then, “she’s so good to her mother!”

February

Février    15

16

Februar    17

18

Febrero    19

20

Febbraio    21

Good Manners.

Feb.

Good Manners.

There was a young person of Tottenhem,

Whose manners, Good Lord! she’d forgotten ’em.

When she went to the vicar’s,

She took off her knickers,

Because she said she was hot in ’em.

February

Février    22

23

Februar    24

25

Febrero    26

27

Febbraio    28

Appearances are Deceitful.

Appearances are Deceitful.

There was a young lady of Skye,

With a shape like a capital I;

She said, “It’s too bad!

But then I can pad,”—

Which shows you that figures can lie.

March

Mars    1

2

März    3

4

Marzo    5

6

Μάρτιος    7

Tact.

March

Tact.

There was a bright person named Biddle,

Who asked everybody a riddle.

When asked, “Can you tell

The answer as well?”

He replied, “I begin in the middle.”

March

Mars    8

9

März    10

11

Marzo    12

13

Μάρτιος    14

Sculpture.

Sculpture.

There was an old sculptor named Phidias,

Whose knowledge of Art was invidious.

He carved Aphrodite

Without any nightie—

Which startled the purely fastidious.

March

Mars    15

16

März    17

18

Marzo    19

20

Μάρτιος    21

Intemperance.

March

Intemperance.

There once was a baker named Dunn,

Who always was out for the fun,

And although it was said

He was very well bred,

He spent all his dough on a “bun”!

March

Mars    22

23

März    24

25

Marzo    26

27

Μάρτιος    28

The Careful Buyer.

The Careful Buyer.

There was an old man of Madrid,

Who went to an auction to bid;

He bought, if you please,

A case of old cheese—

But oh, Gosh! when they lifted the lid!

March

Mars    29

30

März    31

A Quiet Life.

April

A Quiet Life.

An Abbess whom all did admire,

To holiness much did aspire.

When asked to a ball,

She replied, “Not at all;

I’ve another engagement that’s Prior.”

April

Avril    1

2

April    3

4

Abril    5

6

Aprile    7

Gentleness.

Gentleness.

There was a fair maiden of Siam,

Who said to her lover, “O Priam,

You may kiss me, of course,

But you’ve got to use force—

And, God knows, you are stronger than I am!”

April

Avril    8

9

April    10

11

Abril    12

13

Aprile    14

Ἀπρίλιος    15

Exasperation.

April

Exasperation.

There was an old person named Sam,

Who was wearied of Omar Khayyam.

Fitzgerald, you know,

Is the whole of the show;

But this cult and this music, “Oh, d——!”

April

Avril    16

17

April    18

19

Abril    20

21

Aprile    22

Ἀπρίλιος    23

The Kind Beadle.

The Kind Beadle.

There was an old lady of Threedle,

Who sat down in church on a needle;

Tho’ deeply embedded,

’Twas luckily threaded,

And quickly pulled out by the beadle.

April

Avril    24

25

April    26

27

Abril    28

29

Aprile    30

Improper Language.

May

Improper Language.

There was a fair maid of Oshkosh,

Who on Tuesday cried out, “Oh, by Gosh!”

For up on the roof

There was ocular proof

That some one had stolen the wash.

May

Mai    1

2

Mäi    3

4

Mayo    5

6

Maggio    7

Make the Best of Adverse Circumstances.

Make the Best of Adverse Circumstances.

There was a young person named Clyde,

Who was once at a funeral espied.

When asked who was dead,

He smilingly said:

“I don’t know—I just came for the ride.”

May

Mai    8

9

Mäi    10

11

Mayo    12

13

Maggio    14

Devotion.

May

Devotion.

There once was a fellow most kind,

Who, when loving, went at it quite blind.

He said, “That’s all right,

But she’s so out of sight

That I can’t keep her out of my mind!”

May

Mai    15

16

Mäi    17

18

Mayo    19

20

Maggio    21

Always Save for a Rainy Day.

Always Save for a Rainy Day.

There was a young lady named Jane,

Who went out to walk in the rain;

Her skirts were so lacey

It really was racey,

And drove all the chappies insane.

May

Mai    22

23

Mäi    24

25

Mayo    26

27

Maggio    28

Be Careful.

May

Be Careful.

There was a young man from the Cape,

Who always wore trousers of crêpe.

When asked, “Do they tear?”

He replied, “Here and there—

But they keep such a wonderful shape.”

May

Mai    29

30

Mäi    31

Seize Opportunities.

Seize Opportunities.

There was an old lady of Lee,

Who invited the curate to tea.

He said, “You quite shine

In the housewifely line.”

“Oh, this is so sudden!” said she.

June

Juin    1

2

Juni    3

4

Junio    5

6

Giugno    7

Seek After Knowledge.

June

Seek After Knowledge.

A man with the brain of a linnet

Asked forty-two questions a minute.

When they said, “Mind your biz!”

He said, “Envy it is,

’Cause you know just how strictly I’m in it.”

June

Juin    8

9

Juni    10

11

Junio    12

13

Giugno    14

Ἰούνιος    15

Respect for Age.

Respect for Age.

There was an old beau of Formosa,

Who ne’er was content with a “No, sah!”

The strength of his arm

Oft excited alarm,

And his motto was “closah and closah.”

June

Juin    16

17

Juni    18

19

Junio    20

21

Giugno    22

Ἰούνιος    23

Uncertainty.

June

Uncertainty.

A lady once had a bad habit:

She couldn’t see cheese but she’d nab it.

She said, “Memory fails—

Is the rabbit from Wales?

Or do the wails come from the rabbit?”

June

Juin    24

25

Juni    26

27

Junio    28

29

Giugno    30

Retort Courteous.

Retort Courteous.

There was a young lady of Wilts,

Who walked all through Scotland on stilts.

When they said, “Oh, how shocking,

To see so much stocking!”

She said, “How about you and your kilts?”

July

Juillet    1

2

Juli    3

4

Julio    5

6

Luglio    7

Generosity.

July

Generosity.

There was a young lady of Venice,

Who used hard-boiled eggs to play tennis.

When they cried, “You are wrong!”

She replied, “Go along—

You don’t know how prolific my hen is.”

July

Juillet    8

9

Juli    10

11

Julio    12

13

Luglio    14

Art.

Art.

There was a fair dame whose manœuvre

Was to get her portrait in the Louvre;

But they sent it away

The very first day—

And it’s now in a dive in Vancouvre.

July

Juillet    15

16

Juli    17

18

Julio    19

20

Luglio    21

Comparisons are Odious.

July

Comparisons are Odious.

A talented artist (Ed Lanseer),

Said, “Beau Brummel, I won’t paint these pants here;

I assure you, I can’t see

That they are so fancy—

Why, last week I saw a dog-fancier.”

July

Juillet    22

23

Juli    24

25

Julio    26

27

Luglio    28

Inspiration.

Inspiration.

An old person who lived by his pen,

Cried, “Goody! I’ve got ’em again!

A poem I’ll write,

’Bout the dawning of night,

That will easily collar a ten!”

July

Juillet    29

30

Juli    31

Popularity.

Aug.

Popularity.

A musician there was—Paderewski—

Who never would drink nor would chewski;

As a Matineé blade,

He made Hackett afraid,

And quite broke the heart of John Drewski.

August

Août    1

2

August    3

4

Agosto    5

6

Αὔγουστος    7

Truth.

Truth.

There was a young lady named Maude,

Who said she was “awfully boahed,”

For all men she hated,

Both single and mated—

But in the dark corners—Good Lawd!

August

Août    8

9

August    10

11

Agosto    12

13

Agosto    14

Αὔγουστος    15

A Good Girl.

Aug.

A Good Girl.

Eliza she never was nifty,

She was kindly and gentle and thrifty;

She gave poor people pies,

And she never made eyes—

But then—she was seven and fifty!

August

Août    16

17

August    18

19

Agosto    20

21

Agosto    22

Αὔγουστος    23

Do Not be Persistent.

Do Not be Persistent.

There once was a promising hound,

The fleetest that ever was found;

But his friends all declare,

That when chasing the hare,

He was running things into the ground.

August

Août    24

25

August    26

27

Agosto    28

29

Agosto    30

Αὔγουστος    31

Never Swear.

Sept.

Never Swear.

A kindly old person named Tom,

Manufactured a dynamite bomb.

One day in annoy,

He cast it at a boy,—

Saying, “Gracious! I nearly said Domn!”

September

Septembre    1

2

September    3

4

Setiembre    5

6

Settembre    7

Self-Sufficiency.

Self-Sufficiency.

There was a young damsel named Nell,

Who considered herself quite a belle.

She sat on the sand,

And held her own hand,

And never got on to the swell.

September

Septembre    8

9

September    10

11

Setiembre    12

13

Settembre    14

The Young Nimrod.

Sept.

The Young Nimrod.

Young Henry went out for to shoot,

With a gun and a high rubber boot;

He shot an old goat,

A guide and a shoat—

But he’s best when he’s shooting the chute.

September

Septembre    15

16

September    17

18

Setiembre    19

20

Settembre    21

Σεπτέμβριος    22

Foresight.

Foresight.

There was an old man of Tarrentum,

Who sat on his false teeth and bent ’um

When asked what he’d lost,

And what they had cost,

He replied, “I don’t know, I just rent ’um.”

September

Septembre    23

24

September    25

26

Setiembre    27

28

Settembre    29

Σεπτέμβριος    30

Society.

Oct.

Society.

There was a fair charmer named Jones,

And the lions from various zones

At her house came and roared

In a beautiful chord,

As she fed them elaborate bones.

October

Octobre    1

2

Oktober    3

4

Octubre    5

6

Ottobre    7

At a Cursory Glance.

At a Cursory Glance.

A curate once smote at a tee,

And threw his new club up a tree,

Saying, “Fie!! My!! Oh, dear!!!

I must give up, I fear,

Either golf or the ministree!”

October

Octobre    8

9

Oktober    10

11

Octubre    12

13

Ottobre    14

Ὀυτώμβριος    15

High Ideals.

Oct.

High Ideals.

There was a young man who said, “Oh,

Why, lucre’s so filthy and low!”

But his friends said, “Oh, shoo!

That’s too good to be true—

You can bet that he’s after the dough!”

October

Octobre    16

17

Oktober    18

19

Octubre    20

21

Ottobre    22

Ὀυτώμβριος    23

Compensation.

Compensation.

There was a fair girl named Elaine,

Who, one March day, went out dressed en train;

The wind tried to be rude,

But her costume was glued—

’Tis better sometimes to be vain.

October

Octobre    24

25

Oktober    26

27

Octubre    28

29

Ottobre    30

Ὀυτώμβριος    31

The Lovers.

Nov.

The Lovers.

A lover in China, named Kin,

Sang soft serenades with great din;

With his eye to a crack

In the wall at the back—

And they said, “’Tis the lute of Peek-in!”

November

Novembre    1

2

November    3

4

Noviembre    5

6

Novembre    7

Don’t Be a Rounder.

Don’t Be a Rounder.

There was a fair maid named O’Neil,

Who went up in the great Ferris Wheel;

On the thirty-fourth round

She looked down at the ground—

And it cost her an 80-cent meal.

November

Novembre    8

9

November    10

11

Noviembre    12

13

Novembre    14

Hospitality.

Nov.

Hospitality.

A tenderfoot out in the West

Said, “Afternoon tea’s such a rest!”

So they knocked off his hat

As they punched his nose flat,

And shot all the checks off his vest.

November

Novembre    15

16

November    17

18

Noviembre    19

20

Novembre    21

Νοέμβριος    22

Perseverance.

Perseverance.

There was an old person named Tate

Who out fishing went early and late.

When the fish gave a tug,

Then he pulled on the jug,

And the thing that he caught was a skate.

November

Novembre    23

24

November    25

26

Noviembre    27

28

Novembre    29

Νοέμβριος    30

Modesty.

Dec.

Modesty.

There once was a sensitive bride,

Who ran when the groom she espied.

When they put on her veil

She set up a wail,

And when the priest blessed her, she cried.

December

Décembre    1

2

Dezember    3

4

Diciembre    5

6

Dicembre    7

Know Your True Worth.

Know Your True Worth.

Said a Rooster, “I’d have you all know

I am nearly the whole of the show;

Why, the Sun every morn

Gets up with the dawn

For the purpose of hearing me crow!”

December

Décembre    8

9

Dezember    10

11

Diciembre    12

13

Dicembre    14

A Good Reason.

Dec.

A Good Reason.

There was a young man of Fort Blainey,

Who proposed to a typist named Janey;

When his friends cried, “Oh, dear!

She’s so old and so queer!”

He replied, “But the day was so rainy!”

December

Décembre    15

16

Dezember    17

18

Diciembre    19

20

Dicembre    21

Recklessness.

Recklessness.

Sir Guy was an amorous knight,

Who costumed himself in a tight.

It was taking a chance

To go without pants,

In case the mosquitoes should bite.

December

Décembre    22

23

Dezember    24

25

Diciembre    26

27

Dicembre    28

Thrift.

Dec.

Thrift.

There was a good dame of Cape Horn,

Whose clothing was tattered and torn.

She remarked, debonnaire,

As she pinned up her hair:

“Three bargains I purchased this morn.”

December

Décembre    29

30

Dezember    31

Transcriber’s Note

Depending on the hard- and software used to read this text and their settings, not all elements may display as intended. The Memoranda pages are intentionally left blank as they were in the source document.

The spelling in this e-text is that of the original work. A few obvious minor typographical errors have been corrected silently.

*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIMERICK UP TO DATE BOOK ***

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Table of Contents

THE LIMERICK UP TO DATE BOOK

Good Resolutions.

Beware of Rash Judgments.

Flattery.

Lavishness.

The Wicked Punster.

The Church-Goer.

Speak Kindly.

Good Manners.

Appearances are Deceitful.

Tact.

Sculpture.

Intemperance.

The Careful Buyer.

A Quiet Life.

Gentleness.

Exasperation.

The Kind Beadle.

Improper Language.

Make the Best of Adverse Circumstances.

Devotion.

Always Save for a Rainy Day.

Be Careful.

Seize Opportunities.

Seek After Knowledge.

Respect for Age.

Uncertainty.

Retort Courteous.

Generosity.

Art.

Comparisons are Odious.

Inspiration.

Popularity.

Truth.

A Good Girl.

Do Not be Persistent.

Never Swear.

Self-Sufficiency.

The Young Nimrod.

Foresight.

Society.

At a Cursory Glance.

High Ideals.

Compensation.

The Lovers.

Don’t Be a Rounder.

Hospitality.

Perseverance.

Modesty.

Know Your True Worth.

A Good Reason.

Recklessness.

Thrift.

Transcriber’s Note

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG™ LICENSE